


False Accusations

by Kalinchen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Jealous Sirius Black, Jealousy, Light Angst, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Smut, Smutty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29081115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalinchen/pseuds/Kalinchen
Summary: »You're staring at me«, Sirius whispered with a small smug grin on his lips.»I'm worried about you«, I replied._________________Holly and Sirius are best friends. Have always been, will always be.Or at least it was like that before Christmas Eve, 1977, the night that changed everything...
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black & Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black/Reader
Kudos: 7





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> !DISCLAIMER!
> 
> I. English isn't my first language so please excuse my grammar/writing errors. Feel free to correct me or leave constructive criticism, I'd love to learn!  
> II. This little fanfic will be quite "smutty" so if you cringe easily, forgive me please.  
> III. I wrote this because I will never forgive JKR that she didn't write a book about Sirius. I love him. Also, I don't think all characters will be very "canon" but at this point, I don't really care.  
> Have fun reading!

»Lily Evans is sick today, Professor Slughorn«, I said as I walked into the classroom. »Oh how unfortunate, thank you for informing me, Miss Macmillan«, said my potions professor. I nodded as I sat down at my desk. »Need some company?«, I heard someone whisper in my ear. Turning my head, I looked into a pair of quite beautiful, grey eyes. »Why, do you feel lonely yourself, Mr Black?«, I smiled mischievously. »Maybe«, he answered and sat down on the chair next to me. 

»I've heard you and your family are going to visit my family for Christmas Eve... Maybe I could come too so you're not too lost«, he smirked. »I thought you had a place of your own now?« »I do«, he responded, »and I'll visit the Potters over the holidays but I could make an exception for you, love.« »Oh Sirius, are you serious? That would be so nice of you!«, I grinned. »I hope you're not serious about that name pun. But honestly, my family is a pain in the ass and I cannot let you go through all of that torture alone... I'm gonna be there, don't worry«, he whispered. »Thanks«, I replied quietly and started paying attention to Slughorn's lesson.

Today we were learning about the effects and characteristics of the Amortentia love potion and prepared to make a simplified version in the next lesson.

I was packing my bags when Professor Slughorn walked up to us and handed Sirius and me three envelopes. »Those are invitations to a little Christmas party next week. I was hoping one of you could take one for Miss Evans. Feel free to bring someone along!«, Professor Slughorn said happily and went on to give some other students some of those envelopes too. »So, do you wanna be my date for the Christmas Slug Party?«, Sirius smirked flirtatiously. »I'll think about it, Darling«, I said and gave him a little wink as I took my and Lily's envelope and my bag and started walking towards the Hufflepuff Common Room.  
»Steamy«, I heard James tell Sirius but then I was already going my own way.

_________________

For the next week, I was mostly looking forward to the Christmas holidays but I was also quite excited for Slughorn's Christmas Party because it usually was a lot of fun because of James and Sirius. If someone really knew how to party, it was those guys.  
»Hey, Holly. Holly. Holly Hufflepuff! Will you go to the Slug Party with me?«, Sirius asked while happily hopping around behind me. 

»Sirius, I'm eating«, I laughed, trying not to choke on the half chewed food in my mouth. »But will you be my date?«, he asked again and softly grabbed my chin, turning my face so I had to look at him. »This is the fifteenth time you've asked me about this. And I said I'll think about it«, I giggled. 

We both knew he could have asked any girl in Hogwarts if they wanted to go to Slughorn's party with him and everybody would have said yes. Because nobody can tell the handsome seventh grade Sirius Black no. Well, except for me, maybe Lily and the teachers. 

»You're so mean. The party is today, just tell me if you already have a date«, he said while pouting. »Maybe you could take Remus. You two would be an excellent match«, I smiled and ruffled his hair softly. »Moony? No. I mean, of course, we're the perfect match, but I'd rather go with my best friend from Hufflepuff«, Sirius smirked and hugged me from behind. 

I pretended to rip out my heart. »Oh no, I've been put deep into the friendzone«, I cried out dramatically. »Why, would you rather go on a real date with me?« »You're a silly man, Sirius. But alright, I'll be your date for the Christmas Party«, I laughed. »Thanks babe, I'll pick you up at seven at your dorm«, Sirius smiled widely as he went back to the Gryffindor table. ›What a silly silly man he is‹, I thought to myself as I finished my breakfast and got up to go to the library. 

I just sat down and opened Theories of Transubstantial Transfiguration when Lily ran into the library, almost falling over a chair and then shouting »Holly I think James tried to kiss me!«. »Shh!«, came from the librarian whose name I always forgot somehow. »Holly, I think James tried to kiss me«, my best friend repeated, now more quietly. 

»Lily love, I really don't know what you've expected, I mean it's not like he's been into you since like, what, birth?«, I replied with a very sarcastic undertone. »But I mean he can't just kiss me? Our only connection is that we're both school prefects. There is nothing else«, she whispered, obviously confused about what just happened. 

»Lily, come, sit down. Okay. Now try to think about James. Are you sure that there isn't at least some kind of spark when you think about him?«, I asked softly. »Maybe... But I am unsure. He has changed. He's more mature than last year or the years before. Ever since that incident with Snape, he really seemed to become a better person. Maybe he was a good guy all this time and I just didn't see it... I am so confused«, Lily said. 

I took her hand and softly petted it before I answered.   
»Don't worry about it too much, okay? I am sure you'll fall head over heels in love with him, but take your time. Love's a journey, you don't need to rush things« »Yeah, well, you're not the best example for that, the way you flirt with Sirius Black... I'm speechless«, Lily said, shaking her head.

»But we're just friends joking around, it's not serious«, I laughed, quietly, so the librarian wouldn't be disturbed by us. »Sure, honey, you two are the definition of a hot and steamy romance«, Lily replied. »Girl, I wish. Not that I'm into Sirius Black or anything, but it's been some time since I've been on a date so I wouldn't mind...«, I sighed. 

»I think he really likes you, Holly... I mean, we all know he's kinda been around the school if you know what I mean, but now it seems to be all about you«, she uttered carefully. »Honey, you should stop worrying about my love life and instead start worrying about Arithmancy because if we don't hurry up now, we're gonna be late«, I giggled, took my bag and ran to the classroom. Lily followed me. 

_________________

I was getting ready for Slughorn's Christmas Party when Lily suddenly stood in my room. »Lily, this is the Hufflepuff dorm, how did you even get in here?«, I asked in confusion. »I just wanted to tell you that James and I are already on our way and Sirius has been standing outside your common room for almost fifteen minutes now.« 

»First of all, so now it's already a ›James and I‹ kind of situation, I love that for you and second of all, why has nobody let him in now, aren't Hufflepuffs supposed to be nice?«, I laughed. »You're probably right but I'll go now, James is waiting. And by the way you look stunning, the red dress really suits you«, Lily smiled and before I could answer anything she already ran back to her hopefully boyfriend-to-be.

A few minutes later I walked down to look for Sirius, who - as I found out - was still standing in front of the entrance. »Oh, hey. I'm sorry nobody let you in«, I said. »No problem, gorgeous. I would always wait for you, even if it had to be in the desert«, Sirius said with a slightly smug grin on his face as he got down on one knee and handed me a single yellow rose. »Well thank you, Sir, you may stand up now as we should proceed to have our little Christmas soirée«, I smiled. He surely was a Casanova.

Sirius stood up and I took his arm. »You're right. And Lily was right too when she said that I'll probably have a heart attack seeing you in this beautiful dress«, he smirked and kissed my cheek softly. ›He really is especially flirty these last days... I should be careful that I won't fall for him‹, I thought as we got to the entrance of Slughorn's great Christmas party. 

»Ah, Miss Macmillan and Mr Black, lovely, very very lovely«, Professor Slughorn greeted us. »It's lovely being here, Professor, thanks«, I smiled. »Always nice seeing you around, Miss«, said the Professor and continued greeting other students.   
»Do I have to worry about Professor Slughorn, Holly?«, he asked, pretending to be jealous. »What are you talking about, Sillius?«, I laughed. »First of all, Sillius is not a nice nickname, second of all, I should be the only one flirting with you«, Sirius smirked flirtatiously and slowly got closer to me. I could feel my body heating up.

›Shouldn't I already be used to flirty Sirius? Why am I so shy all of the sudden?‹, I thought. »Sillius, you really should stop playing these games because if I'll ever chose to play along, you couldn't possibly handle it«, I winked at him and went to grab a drink.

»I saw that«, Lily's voice said all of a sudden. I turned around and saw my best friend grinning widely. »Honestly, I support you two. You're spicy, you're hot, you should-« »No Lily«, I interrupted her. »Sirius and I are just really good friends. Please don't try to get the two of us to date or anything, I'm absolutely fine the way it is.« 

»If you say so«, Lily said, took a drink and went back to James who was currently talking to Dirk Cresswell, my ex-boyfriend. Dirk was a Ravenclaw and in the year below us but he was a really smart guy and I dated him for almost half a year. Until my parents found out. And my parents had a problem with Dirk. Not because he was a few month younger than me - Dirk was quite mature for his age - it was rather because he was a muggle-born student. 

I loved him but my parents were too concerned about becoming a »blood-traitor-family« so they forced me to break up with him. I told him I stopped loving him because I didn't want him to feel left out just because his parents are muggles. 

Dirk's eyes met mine and tried to smile softly. But Sirius came and saved me from my awkwardness. »Are you still sad about Dirk?«, he asked in a compassionate manner and caressed my cheek softly. »I don't know... I mean, it's been almost half a year now since I broke up with him. But he's such a good guy, I feel so sorry for him«, I said quietly. Sirius gave me a kiss on the cheek. »I'm sure he'll be fine, love.« I shrugged and emptied my glass. Then I walked over to Dirk, Lily and James who were talking about the secrets of the Felix Felicis potion. Sirius followed me. 

As the topic changed, Dirk took me aside. »So... You and Sirius Black now?«, he asked. I shook my head. »We're just friends«, I answered. »Are you sure about that? I just want you to be happy, Holly...«, he said, took my hands and got closer to me. »I know...«, I whispered. He softly put his lips on mine but I pushed him away. 

»I'm sorry, Dirk, I can't do that«, I said. »Holly, do you wanna dance?«, Sirius suddenly asked, grabbed my hand and pulled me to the dance floor.   
We started to dance to a slow song. »Why did he kiss you?« »I don't know, Sillius, does it matter to you?«, I asked. »Yes, you're my date tonight and I certainly dislike it when my dates are being kissed by other guys than me«, he answered, playfully raising a brow. »So you planned on kissing me tonight?«, I asked and smirked. At this point I knew that I was definitely flirting with Sirius Black.

»Maybe... It is quite tempting...«, Sirius whispered and got even closer to me. »Well then I'll have to disappoint you because I won't let you kiss me«, I laughed and walked back to Lily and James. Dirk was somewhere else talking to other people. 

»Get a room honey, this sexual tension is too much for all of us«, James exclaimed dramatically. »I think so too but lovely Holly here is still too timid to search for an empty classroom just yet«, Sirius laughed. »You're such a jerk, you know I wouldn't do such things«, I replied amusedly. »That's such a shame. But I can wait for you, love. Let me get us some drinks!«, Sirius said excitedly and walked away to the bar.

»You should stop playing games with Padfoot«, James said. »I'm not playing games. I'm just being honest. We all know what type of guy Sirius is when it comes to relationships. I want something more... I don't know, just something more future-oriented. You know, I want someone to can grow old with«, I explained.   
»Okay, that's reasonable but I think Padfoot might-«, James began but was interrupted by Sirius who came back with four cups.

»Hey guys I could use some help!«, he laughed and gave each of us one. Lily already wanted to take a sip of the juice but Sirius prevented her from doing so. »Wait, I have something else«, he smirked mischievously and pulled out an old looking hip flask. »Damn, where did you get that from?«, James asked excitedly.   
»Stole it from my dad a couple years ago and almost forgot about it. So who wants some Firewhisky?», Sirius inquired triumphantly. »I do«, I grinned. »Oh she said I do, did you hear that, we're practically married now«, Sirius laughed while pouring me some Firewhisky into my cup. »Sure, Sillius«, I giggled and let James get to Sirius and his Firewhisky too. Lily didn't want it, she was »already in enough of a good mood«, as she said. 

The four of us had lot of fun during Slughorn's Christmas party and we still continued to party in the Gryffindor common room when the Slug party was already over.  
»I should get going now, it's already past midnight«, I giggled, still feeling a little tipsy due to all the Firewhisky we had. Even Lily was drunk. But right now, she and James were cuddling on the couch. 

»You could also sleep with me. Like, in the same bed, very platonically of course«, Sirius babbled. »I'd rather sleep in my own bed, love, thanks«, I smirked. »Then at least let me be the gentleman I am and bring you to your own common room«, he answered while taking a silly bow in front of me. »Alright, Casanova, please get me home safely«, I giggled. »Good night Lily, good night James«, I added when walking out of the common room but they were probably already sleeping as I got no answer.

Sirius and I walked quietly through the corridors until we got to the Hufflepuff dormitory. »Sleep well, beautiful«, Sirius said softly. »You too. And get home safely«, I smiled. Sirius smiled back and gave me a kiss on the cheek before disappearing back into the darkness of the corridors.

The next day we had to get up early to catch the Hogwarts Express home. I sat in an compartment with Lily, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter. »Holly, I wrote my parents a letter that I will be there at Christmas Eve too...«, Sirius said. »Thanks, I'll protect you from them, don't worry«, I answered, trying to keep the conversation happy and light. »No, I'll protect you, darling«, he smirked. I was about to disagree when Remus spoke. »We get it guys, you're in love, please get a room if you want to keep making out.« »We're not in love«, I explained. »Of course you're not«, James said sarcastically. 

»Guys, we're almost there, we should rather be discussing what's up with James and Lily because that should be much more interesting«, Sirius replied. »There's nothing interesting to hear«, Lily immediately said. »You sure?«, Sirius asked, wiggling his eyebrows. »Hey that's rude guys, give those two lovebirds a little space«, I laughed.

Some time later the Hogwarts Express arrived at platform 9¾ and all the students began getting out of the train and into their families arms. »See you on Christmas Eve«, Sirius said before running off to James' parents. I looked for my parents and found them talking to the Malfoy family. I walked up to them and greeted everyone. They talked a bit about the ministry and then we apparated home. 

_________________

»No Holly, there is no other option, you will wear that dress«, my mother said while trying to get my hair to stay in the elaborate hairstyle she wanted me to have. »Mom, it's Christmas Eve, in the middle of winter, I think it's quite inappropriate to wear a short dress with there temperatures outside«, I argued. »But you have to look beautiful tonight. The Black Family is very influential and rich, it would be great for you to marry their son Regulus. I've only heard highest praises for him«, my mother uttered. »Isn't he a few years younger than me?«, I asked. 

»Yes, but that won't matter in a few years. He has the right values and goals and he is intelligent and a good man. And you're not even two years apart.« I just sighed and got into the dress my mother wanted me to wear.   
»You look stunning, dear«, my mother said in awe. »Thank you mom. Shall we go then?« »Yes, let me see if your father is ready too«, my mother smiled. She was a good mother although she was very influenced by my father and his pureblood-obsession. But she wanted me to have a good and comfortable life after all.

A few minutes later we were already standing in front of the house of the Blacks in Grimmauld Place. My father knocked on the door and a few minutes later Regulus Black opened the door. »I'll have to apologize for my family, especially my older brother, he has caused some trouble ever since he arrived«, he said politely as he let us in. 

The hallway was narrow and didn't seem very welcoming which might be due to the dark walls and creepy looking decoration. Moreover, I could hear people shouting at each other in one of the rooms.  
»THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE! HOW DARE YOU COME HERE AND DESTROY OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER!« »OH I AM SORRY FOR BEING HERE, MOTHER, BUT I WILL NOT LEAVE HOLLY TO YOUR PUREBLOOD-FAMILY OBSESSION SO YOU CAN FORCE HER TO MARRY REGULUS!«

That was Sirius voice. He was actually here. »HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT?!«, yelled a third voice. ›What a nice family‹, I thought to myself when a grumpy looking house-elf took our coats and put them away.   
After Regulus told his family that the guests were here, the shouting quickly stopped. Two middle-aged people now came to greet us. »Mr and Mrs Macmillan, great to see you. I'll have to apologize for my son Sirius, he doesn't know how to behave. But please, come in«, Mr Black said with a polite smile on his face, leading us into a dining room.

I sat down at the table next to my mother. On the opposite sat Regulus who was eyeing me curiously. After all of us took a seat, Sirius came in too and sat down on the chair on my left side. »Hey«, he whispered. »Hey«, I whispered back. »Do you know each other?«, Regulus asked. »Yes, we are very good friends, something you probably don't know about«, Sirius replied spitefully. 

»Oh my dear naive child!«, Mrs Black exclaimed, »Do not make a fool out of yourself and believe in the stupid things Sirius talks about. Regulus, can't you tell us something about this new group you just joined?«  
»Yes of course«, Regulus said while the house-elf started placing plates with food on the table. »So there's this leader who is called Lord Voldemort, he is such a visionary, he always talks about wizarding supremacy and how we should be careful with our bloodlines and I totally agree with that.« 

My father agreed with him while I was trying my best not to attack those people with a knife. Regulus kept talking about how important this Voldemort guy is and everything, even as we were already eating. That surely was a passionate young man. 

But I only had eyes for Sirius. His father must have slapped him because he had a small wound on his left cheek. He still looked way more attractive than his younger brother although he just ate in silence. I could easily see how so many girls were attracted by him. »You're staring at me«, Sirius whispered with a small smug grin on his lips. 

»I'm worried about you«, I replied. »Don't be...«, Sirius said and put his hand on my thigh. Normally I would have told him to stop it but today, nothing was normal. The fact that I now met his mentally and obviously also physically abusive family changed a lot of things I assumed about him.   
And I suddenly felt the urge to hug him and kiss him until he could forget all of this.

I ate up and put my napkin next to my plate. »May I use your bathroom, Mr and Mrs Black?«, I asked politely. All of these conversations about pure blood and »our« supremacy had made me feel quite dizzy. »Yes of course, Regulus will show you-«, Mrs Black began but Sirius interrupted her. »I'll show her.« Before they could have argued, Sirius already stood up and walked out of the room. »It'll be fine«, I smiled and followed him.

»I am so sorry Sirius, I could have never imagined that your family is this bad«, I said when we were a little further away from the dining room. »It's okay, I got used to it«, he simply answered. »Let me see your cheek«, I said. Sirius stopped and turned around. »We'll have to clean that cut«, I said »Where's the bathroom?« »Right here«, Sirius answered and walked into a smaller room. I followed him, took a small washcloth and held it under water. Then I softly wiped it over the cut on Sirius' cheek.

»You should have been more careful, how are you gonna be a model now if you're already that disfigured«, I joked. Sirius didn't say anything and just took the washcloth out of my hand. I couldn't resist but stare into his eyes.   
»So you think I'm handsome?«, he asked with the usual sexy look on his face. The fact that he was now so close to me made it kind of harder for me to breathe normally. »I do«, I replied as calmly as possible. 

Sirius just smirked, put his hands next to my face and pulled me closer. And I just stood there and couldn't help but look at his beautifully curved lips and perfect jawline and his gorgeous face in general. »You're not pushing me away?«, he said. »I'm guessing not«, I answered. 

And in the next moment, his lips crashed onto mine.


	2. chapter two

I couldn't resist kissing him back. I threw my arms around his neck, pulled him closer and kissed him harder. I had no idea why but I knew that both of us needed this right now. Sirius carefully pushed me against the closed bathroom door and started touching my thighs softly. I could feel my body heating up due to his touch and I started pulling his hair. Of course, I've heard that he was really good at what he's doing but I never imagined he would be that good. Sirius kissed me even harder and I was already thinking about unbuttoning his shirt when he pulled away. 

»We shouldn't forget that my family is still downstairs«, he said. Both of us were panting. ›What did I just do?!‹, I asked myself panicking internally. »We should probably get downstairs again«, I uttered, trying not to think about the fact that we were just making out. »You're probably right«, he answered. I fixed my hair again with a swing of my wand and then just went downstairs without waiting for him.

»Ah there you are again, love. We just talked about how you and Regulus can marry as soon as he graduates Hogwarts«, my father said, smiling as if these were the best news ever. »Oh...«, was everything I was able to say. 

My mind was still thinking about Sirius and his touch, playing these scenes that just took place again and again. The way he moved his lips against mine and pulled me closer to his strong chest... I gulped. 

»Is there a problem, Holly?«, my mother inquired. »No, most certainly not«, I said, still thinking about Sirius. ›Wait a minute, did I just give my permission for my parents to marry me off to Regulus Black?‹, I thought and the mild internal panic came back. ›Come one, Holly, put on you best racist pureblood manners...‹

»But I think we shouldn't rush this decision. I feel very honoured that you would consider me to be you future daughter-in-law, Mr and Mrs Black but I would very much appreciate it if I could get some time to think about your offer«, I smiled my most polite smile. »Well of course you'll have plenty of time, we won't force you into a marriage«, my father said. »Well at least not yet«, replied Mr Black amusedly and the adults began laughing. 

»If you'll excuse me, I think I'll take a walk. Mom, Dad, don't worry about me, I won't be home too late«, I said, still trying to keep my perfect manners. My parents nodded and continued talking to the Blacks. Regulus stood up. »I'll take you to the door«, he said. He really was the type of son-in-law my parents always wanted. Polite, smart, rich and reserved. How unfortunate that my stupid heart was starting to drool over his older brother, the rebel.

Regulus helped me into my coat and held the door open for me. »I'll see you around at Hogwarts«, he said and kissed my hand softly. »You will. Merry Christmas«, I said before walking out of that horrifying house and heard him close the door behind me.   
Now I could finally breathe freely. What an evening.

»So... you're engaged now?«, a voice suddenly asked. At first I was a little confused until I saw Sirius standing in the shadow on the other side of the road. »Not really. But I feel like getting drunk after all of that shit I had to listen to«, I sighed. »Getting drunk sounds good. Mind if I join?«, Sirius said, rather emotionlessly than in his typical flirtatious manner. 

I just nodded so he took my hand and apparated to a small pub that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.   
I was guessing we would just forget that the little makeout session at his parents' house even happened.

Sirius pulled me into the pub and we sat down at a table in the corner. »This is a muggle pub so please don't order anything weird«, Sirius said quietly when the barkeeper came up to us to wish us a merry Christmas and ask what we wanted to drink. My drinking companion ordered us a few shots while I just stared at the wall. 

»Do you wanna play a little game?«, he asked after the shots came. »Sure, why not«, I answered. This whole evening had stirred up all my emotions and I was really happy to have something else to think about.   
»Okay let's play Never Have I Ever. You just say something you've never done before and if I have done it, I have to take a shot«, Sirius explained. We started off with some rather boring ones like »Never have I ever broken a bone« or »Never have I ever stolen something« but as we drank more and more both of us began to be a little tipsy. 

»Never have I ever had sex«, Sirius then asked and I couldn't help but laugh out loud. »You're silly, I know that you've had sex before«, I giggled. Sirius grinned and took a shot. »Maybe I wanted to know about you«, he said bluntly. I just grinned back at him and took a shot without commenting it. »No wayyy you and Cresswell got nasty?!«, Sirius giggled. 

»A lady doesn't talk about such things«, I grinned and ruffled his hair. And by that the questions became a lot more sexual. »Never have I ever had sex twice in one night«, »Never have I ever did it in the shower«, »Never have I ever had sexual fantasies in class.« 

Our game ended when the barkeeper told us that the pub was closing for the night and we had to pay. After that, we were just walking around, more drunk than ever before. »Never have I ever kissed one of my best friends in his parents' house while our parents were discussing my marriage with his younger brother«, Sirius suddenly said after some time. »Guilty«, was my response. Sirius stopped and looked me into the eyes. »Never have I ever enjoyed said kiss«, he then added. 

For a few seconds I just looked at him, not knowing what to say. And then, as if history was repeating itself, both of us wrapped our arms around each other and started kissing, sloppily and passionate. I grabbed his hair again and pulled him closer to me while he slipped his tongue into my mouth. ›Merlin how is he such a good kisser‹, my intoxicated brain thought while I wrapped my legs around his waist. 

Sirius grabbed my arse, preventing me from falling down again and I couldn't help but moan slightly. We kept making out until Sirius disapparated us into his bedroom. He threw me onto the bed, climbed on top of me and started kissing my neck. »Fuck, Sirius...«, I moaned as he took off my coat and slowly started opening my dress. »You'll have to be quiet, love, James' family is already asleep«, Sirius grinned while I unbuttoned his shirt.

He took my dress off slowly and started rubbing my clit through my underwear. I threw my head back and bit my hand in order to stay quiet. Sirius then pulled my underwear off and started circling my clit with his thumb. I could already feel my wetness dripping onto his bedsheets but he didn't seem to care. Enjoying every single touch of his, I moaned quietly. 

»Merlin, you're so gorgeous«, Sirius whispered before pushing two of his beautiful fingers inside of me. I whimpered, wanting more. He slowly started to move his fingers in and out of me, getting faster with time. »Stop it and fuck me already«, I whined. Sirius smirked, undressed himself too and positioned his dick in front of my entrance. When he pushed himself into me, I couldn't help but moan his name loudly, immediately shutting myself up afterwards, scared that anyone could wake up. 

Sirius took my hands and held them over my head while he started to move. I started to kiss his neck and shoulders to keep myself from moaning. His thrusts got deeper, harder and faster and both of us started moaning. »We have to be quiet«, he groaned as I rolled my hips up to meet his. »But fuck, you're so good«, he added in a raspy voice. 

I began digging my nails into his arms and his back, feeling as if he'd take me to heaven. My eyes rolled back when he started rubbing my clit in addition to his thrusts. He kissed me hungrily to conceal both of our moans and I could feel my climax building up. »Sirius, I'm about to-«, I began but orgasmed mid-sentence.   
My walls clenched around his dick and I could feel my cum dripping on his bedsheets. Sirius thrusted a few more times before he came inside me. He pulled out and fell onto his bed next to me. 

»I didn't know you we're this good«, he groaned. »I didn't know sex could even be this good«, I replied. My legs were shaking and both of us were panting, trying to catch enough breath. My vision was blurry due to all of the alcohol in my blood. 

»I'm gonna get you a shirt«, Sirius whispered and walked over to his wardrobe to pull a large Gryffindor shirt out. He threw it over and I quickly put it on. ›How is he so hot?‹, I asked myself as I watched him putting on some boxers. His body was sweaty which just made his toned muscles look even better. He ran his hand through his hair and walked back to me.   
»You're staring at me again«, he smirked and I could almost feel myself getting wet again. »Fuck you«, I just replied and wrapped his blanket around my body. »Sleep well«, he whispered and pecked my head. ›Merlin I am drunk‹, were my last thoughts before I fell asleep.

_________________

When I woke up the next morning I knew two things. First of all, I was hungover as fuck. Second of all, I had slept with Sirius Black last night which, I knew, would make everything incredibly awkward from now on. 

He was still asleep so I just grabbed my dress and put my coat on and apparated home. But unfortunately, my parents were already in my room. »WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!«, my mother shouted. »AND WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? WHERE'S YOUR DRESS?!«, my father added.

My head was already aching from all the alcohol I drank yesterday and my parents' loud voices didn't make it any better. »I'm sorry, Mom, Dad, I was walking around and got lost but Sirius found me and I slept over at his or rather James Potter's family's house«, I lied. Probably the first time I ever lied to my parents. Although it technically wasn't even a lie. I was only concealing a lot of the truth. »Honey we were worried about you«, my mother answered almost anxiously and pulled me in a tight hug. »It's okay mom, I'm fine«, I said, forcing a smile.

I definitely was not fine. I was crushing on Sirius Black.

»You look quite pale, love. Can I get you anything?«, my father asked worriedly. »I'll just sleep a little more«, I replied. »Alright«, my mother said. »Oh by the way Regulus gave us something for you. It's on your desk«, my father smiled before both of them left me alone. 

I walked up to my desk to find a very old but beautiful looking silver jewellery box. When I opened it, I found a small piece of parchment with a text written onto it.  
»Dear Holly. You may see this as an early promise to our engagement. As I know my parents, they will not hesitate to force you to accept this engagement. This jewelry box once belonged to my great-grandmother but my parents decided you should have it now. I hope you like it. Merry Christmas. Regulus Arcturus Black«, stood there in ornate writing. 

Due to all my confusion about Sirius and my feelings towards him I had almost forgotten about Regulus. 

»Oh Merlin what did I do wrong in life to deserve this«, I whispered before I took my coat off to go to bed, only to realize that I forgot my bra and underwear in Sirius' bedroom. ›Oh lord what else?!‹, I thought before I got dressed in my proper nightwear, laid down and fell asleep immediately.

For the last week of the Christmas holidays I was mostly in my room studying for my N.E.W.T.s at the end of this year. James tried to convince me to participate in the so-called »Marauder-Meetings« because Lily allegedly felt lonely being there without me. I declined every offer. Because why would I want to spend awkward time with Sirius if I didn't have to?   
So I just continued trying to avoid him when we got back to Hogwarts. 

_________________

»Holly, are you avoiding me?« Lily stood next to me sitting at the Hufflepuff table, her hands on her hips looking hurt but also angry. »I'm not, why do you think so?«, I said, trying to be as casual as possible. »Because we never sit next to each other anymore. We never study together or anything, whenever you see me you immediately turn around and walk into the opposite direction«, she replied looking even more hurt now. 

»I'm not avoiding you, Lily«, I repeated. »Well, then what is wrong?«, she asked and sat down next to me. »It's complicated«, I sighed. »Then tell me, maybe I can help«, Lily said sadly. »Okay, come with me. I don't want to talk about it here«, I answered and stood up. »Alright, where do you want to go?«, Lily inquired and got up too. »I don't know, the lake?« Lily nodded and we walked down to the lake and sat on a large stone. 

»So what is it?«, she asked again. »I slept with Sirius«, I said. »You WHAT?!«, she screamed. Her face showed a mixture of excitement and shock. »You heard me. It happened on Christmas Eve. We both felt shitty due to his shitty family - who by the way arranged an engagement between me and Sirius' brother Regulus - so we went to get drunk. And then it just happened«, I explained and buried my face into my hands. 

»So hold up, you're engaged now too?!«, Lily gasped. »Not technically but I probably will be soon«, I answered. »That's absolutely insane. Why didn't you tell me earlier?«, she asked and patted my head softly. »You're always with James lately and that means that Sirius is there too and I really do not want to see him«, I sighed.

»But I'm sure that it won't be awkward if you two talked about it... You've always been best friends, why should this end because of something like that?«, she said softly. »I don't know... I'll think about it...«, I replied. »Sirius seems very distant and down lately, I'm sure he misses you a lot«, Lily whispered. »I don't know«, I said, still unsure about the whole situation. 

»You should just talk to him. It'll be fine«, Lily smiled and gave me a hug. »Honestly Lily, you're the best. Thanks for listening to me«, I said and hugged her back. »No problem, Holly. But let's get back inside, it's getting cold«, she grinned and stood up. »You're right«, I said and stood up to. 

»So, what have you been up to in the past weeks?«, I asked her as we walked back to the castle. Her smile grew bigger. »James and I are dating now«, she grinned, obviously in love. I let out a cry of joy and hugged her. 

»Oh Merlin I am so happy for you! You Cuties«, I said. »Thank you! I don't really know where this is going yet, but I really like him. Like, I really really like him«, Lily smiled shily. »Aww that is so adorable«, I uttered. She told me more about her and James when we walked to our classroom and I loved to listen. 

The both of them were so lovely together which made me both happy and sad. Happy for them but also sad because I realized more and more that my little crush on Sirius was getting serious. It made me sad to think about the fact that we hadn't talked in weeks. Lily invited me to come with her to the Gryffindor common room but I refused to. I still didn't feel ready to talk to Sirius. Instead, I went to the library to read a little about the Magical Law.

»I knew I'd find you here«, a very familiar voice said. I was sitting at a table in the corner of the library, reading Extraordinary Trials in History. When I looked up, my eyes met the sharp gaze of Sirius Black. I sighed. »Why are you here?«, I mumbled.   
»To talk to you«, he answered and sat down on the chair across me. »About what?«, I asked. »You know exactly what I want to talk about. Christmas Eve. Why did you leave so early the next morning?«, he questioned me. 

»Are you on drugs? Why did I leave?!«, I almost shouted aghastly. »I want to know. Did I do anything wrong? I was worried...«, he said quietly. »Sirius, you can't be serious! «, I whispered. »I am. In both ways. If you want to, I can always also be Sillus. But right now I'm Serious«, he said calmly. 

»Oh Helga... But alright, let me explain it to you: I think it made a lot of things very awkward that we did what we did. I mean, I just can't look at you in the same way I did before...«, I explained. 

I really couldn't look at him. Every time I saw his hands I had flashbacks about him touching my thighs and arse and his fingers teasing me and every time I looked at his lips I couldn't forget the way he pressed them against mine and every time I saw his eyes I remembered the lust I could see in them when he thrusted deeper into me. And his hair, Merlin, his hair, I wanted to pull it again while he did me so well. 

»I understand...«, Sirius uttered sadly. »Did you tell anyone about it?«, I asked while looking at my fingernails. »Only James. I mean, how could I not tell him, he had questions when he saw your lingerie laying on the floor the next morning when he came in. I have it in my drawer, maybe you want to come and pick it up«, Sirius said.

»Yes, I still have your shirt too«, I replied. »Okay then, meet me in the Gryffindor common room in fifteen minutes?«, he inquired. I nodded, put the book away and took my things. »See you soon«, I said before I walked away to my dormitory to get his shirt.

Fifteen minutes later I stood in the Gryffindor common room, talking to Charles Bell but with no Sirius in sight. »You look beautiful today by the way«, Charles smiled. He was quite handsome but still not as gorgeous as Sirius. »Thanks Charles. I'm actually looking for Sirius, have you seen him?«, I asked. »Yes, I actually have. He's cleaning our room which is quite unusual for him. It's usually Peter or Remus who do the work«, he laughed. »Oh okay thank you«, I said. 

»Are you two dating?«, he then asked me. I laughed out loud. »Sirius Black and dating? Charles, you're hilarious!«, I laughed. It was nice to really laugh again. But somewhere deep inside of me I knew that I wished Sirius would be more of a long term relationship kind of guy. Somewhere deep inside of me it hurt. A lot.   
»So you're not seeing anyone currently?«, Charles asked again. 

»I'm not, why are you asking?«, I smiled at him. »I was wondering... if you'd maybe like to go to Hogsmeade next weekend? With me?«, he grinned and ran his hand through his blonde hair. »Like, as a date?«, I wanted to know. »Yes. I mean, only if you want to«, he said, almost looking nervous. 

»Sorry to interrupt you guys but I'll have to kidnap Holly now«, Sirius suddenly said and put and arm around my waist. And i immediately felt my body heating up. »Wait Sirius«, I pushed his arm away, »I'd love to go on a date with you, Charles.« Sirius looked at me in shock. »Great, I'll meet you in front of the Great Hall, Saturday, 9am«, Charles smiled. I smiled back. »Awesome!«, I said and Charles walked away to talk to his friends again. 

»Why do you want to go on a date with him?«, Sirius asked. »Why, like I'm not allowed to?«, I said sarcastically. »Maybe I don't want you to«, Sirius replied. »Sure«, was my again sarcastic answer. »Just come with me«, he said and went ahead. I followed him up the stairs. 

»Where are we going?«, I asked. »Well, I didn't really want to give you your underwear in front of everyone else in the common room«, he said and continued to walk up the stairs. I just shrugged and followed him until we were standing in his bedroom. 

I took his shirt out of my bag and put it on his bed. Sirius gave me my underwear and bra but when I wanted to take it, he took my hand and pulled me closer to him. »I miss you...«, he whispered. »Why?«, I asked, not looking him into the eyes as I knew that I would fall for him even more if I did.

»Because I like you, dummie... you're the nicest person I know and you're smart and you're funny and gorgeous and absolutely breathtaking inside and out«, he answered while he softly played with a strand of my hair. »Why do you say such things?«, I uttered quietly, still looking down on the floor. Sirius lifted up my chin with two fingers and put his lips on mine. It wasn't hungry or full of lust like last time, this time it was soft and careful.   
I wanted to give in, I wanted to give in and kiss him back so badly but I resisted and pushed him away. 

»We can't do that«, I said quietly, took my lingerie out of his hand and put it in my bag. »Why can't we?«, he asked almost with sadness in his voice. »Sirius, we're best friends... We shouldn't destroy this. Let's go back to what we were before Christmas«, I replied and forced myself to give him a smile. »Okay then...«, he just said. I could feel something in me breaking but I nodded and walked out of the room leaving him alone with his shirt. 

_________________

»You look absolutely stunning«, Charles greeted me. »Thank you, you don't look bad either«, I said, causing him to laugh a little. »So, are you ready to have fun today?«, he asked me happily. Today was Saturday, the Date-day. Sirius and I were talking again but it was way more distant and less »steamy« (as James used to describe it) than before. »Most definitely, I could use some fun«, I grinned and Charles and I began our way to Hogsmeade. 

»You study quite a lot, don't you? I feel like I always see you reading a different book«, Charles said. »I am but I'm always down to do something fun too«, I answered happily. The perspective of getting some distraction from Sirius really put me up in a great mood today. »I kind of struggle with Astronomy lately... Would you mind giving me some private tutoring?«, he asked and gave me a cute smile. 

»Of course, why not«, I smiled. ›He's like a huge bear with a soft heart‹, I thought to myself. »I start to understand why you're in Hufflepuff and not Ravenclaw. You're too nice for this world«, Charles said and his eyes kind of sparkled. »Doin' my best«, I replied amusedly. 

We reached Hogsmeade after some time and decided to get a Butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks. We talked about a lot of different stuff and just when I thought this date might be the best one I've had in a long time, Sirius walked in, together with some fifth grade girl from Ravenclaw. He came, he saw, he conquered. Or in other words, he and his Ravenclaw girl came up to us and he asked whether he could sit down at our table. And Charles, being too nice, answered with yes. 

»It's funny meeting the two of you here. May I introduce to you, this is Olivia Green. Olivia, this is my best friend Holly Macmillan and her boyfriend Charles Bell«, Sirius said, strangely excited. »Oh he's not my boyfriend«, I quickly corrected him. »Yet«, Charles grinned which made me blush a little. Sirius gaze got angry for a moment but it could have also been an illusion. 

»So what are you up to today?«, Sirius asked while scrutinizing Charles. »I thought we could maybe stop by at Honeydukes and then walk around the village a bit«, Charles replied, looking at me with a sweet smile. »So you're trying to make this date a little more romantic?«, Sirius asked, still looking at Charles like a hungry wolf, ready to attack its victim. »Maybe I am. But don't worry mate, I'll take good care of your best friend«, Charles smiled and took my hand softly.   
The strange tension that Sirius was spreading was almost unbearable. 

»I think I'll go to the bathroom real quick«, I said, stood up and almost ran out of this situation. I didn't know what to do. On the one hand I really wanted to enjoy this date with Charles but on the other hand my feelings for Sirius were getting more and more undeniable. A few minutes after my escape, Olivia came through the door.

»What am I even doing here?«, she said exasperatedly, »I mean, I thought I got a date with Sirius Black but now he's just here fighting over you. It's annoying.« »They're fighting?«, I asked a little worriedly. »No. I mean yes. I mean Sirius is very passive-aggressive while your date only talks about you and how awesome you are«, Olivia uttered while she put on a little more lipstick in the mirror. »That's just insane...«, I said. 

»It is indeed. Ugh, I hate being the girl that's only there to make someone else jealous«, she gabbled. »I'm pretty sure Sirius Black isn't the type of guy that feels the need to make someone jealous«, I answered, giggling a bit as I thought about it. »He isn't the type of guy who falls for his ›best friend‹ either and now look where we are. Please tell him I got sick and went back. Sick of his bullshit«, Olivia said and walked out of the door, leaving me confused. 

›Sirius Black and falling in love?‹, I thought. ›Could it really be?‹ I decided to think about it later and concentrate on my date for now on so I went back to our table.

»You didn't even notice that she left, did you?«, I asked Sirius as I sat down next to Charles again. »Who?«, Sirius said confusedly. »Olivia?«, I answered. »Who?«, Sirius repeated. »Your date, silly?«, I replied. »Oh. How sad. Well then we'll have to have fun only with the three of us«, he smiled mischievously. »Sirius I'm really sorry to break it to you but I'm currently on a date and your date left and is and I quote ›sick of your bullshit‹ so I'd really recommend you to leave the two of us alone so at least someone can have a nice date today«, I said, getting annoyed by his behaviour. 

»Oh sorry little Miss Perfect but I really dislike seeing you with this guy if you haven't noticed it by now«, Sirius said angrily, stood up and slammed his hand on the table. I stood up too and could already feel the anger building up in my body. »Well but that is none of your business, Sirius, I can date whoever I want to date because you don't own me just because of what happened on Christmas Eve so get out of my sight before I get really angry«, I told him furiously.   
Sirius opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, slammed some money on the table and ran out of the door.


	3. chapter three

»Are you okay?«, Charles asked with a worried look in his face. I was about to nod when I felt the tears running down my cheeks. Charles pulled me down on his lap and wrapped his arms around me while I couldn't stop crying. »I hate fights...«, I said, »I always start crying...« »It's okay, I'm here to calm you down, okay? And I won't force you to talk about it if you don't want to«, Charles whispered. 

I took some of the napkins off the table and dried my tears with them. Charles just held me in his arms and petted my head softly. 

After I had calmed down a few minutes later, I slid down from his lap and fixed my hair. »Are you still in the mood for Honeydukes or would you rather go to bed and sleep?«, Charles asked politely. »To be honesty, I'd really rather just go to bed...«, I mumbled. »That's okay. I'll take you back«, Charles smiled and stood up. »Wait, we still have to pay«, I said. »No problem, I got it«, Charles told me and walked over to Madam Rosmerta to pay for our drinks. I put on my jacket and waited for him until he was ready to go.

»I still had a great time, Holly, and I'd love to do that again«, he said when we got to the entrance of the Hufflepuff common room. »Me too«, I smiled. »Maybe we could study for Astronomy on Monday?«, Charles then asked. »I'd love to«, I replied before giving him a kiss on his cheek and disappearing into the Hufflepuff common room.

_________________

For the next weeks I was ignoring Sirius again. Instead I was getting closer with Charles. We studied a lot together and he always brought me something nice, whether it was a pretty flower he'd found or a cute feather from his owl or some of my favourite sweets he got from Honeydukes. Today was Friday and I was studying in the Great Hall when two hands covered my eyes. I was already smiling when I turned around to see Charles standing in front of me. 

»Wanna go to the Astronomy Tower and study until we can watch the sunset together?«, he inquired with his typical wide smile.   
»Sounds amazing«, I grinned, packed my bag and stood up. »May I carry your bag, Milady?«, he now asked, bowing down sillily. »Of course you may«, I answered, laughing a little. I gave him my bag and we started walking to the Astronomy Tower.

»I'm always stunned by this view, no matter how often I see this«, I smiled as we got to the top of the tower. »Me too... But I mean what can I say, the landscape looks nice too«, Charles grinned. »What are you talking about?«, I laughed. He came up to me and smirked.

»I'm just talking about what a stunning view you are«, he said and gave me a short cuddle. »You are such a softie«, I giggled. »You say that like it's a bad thing«, Charles laughed. »It isn't, I promise you«, I grinned.

But again my thoughts went over to Sirius. Sirius and his gorgeous eyes and lips and perfect body and his stunning laugh. And I realized how much I missed him. »Okay let's do some studying first«, Charles voice then disrupted my thoughts. I nodded and got my Astrology book.   
But today I couldn't fully concentrate on helping Charles because I constantly thought about Sirius. I began to feel guilty about our fight and sorry for yelling at him. 

»Oh look, the sun's almost set, come on«, Charles smiled and stood up. He took my hand to help me stand up and walked over to the railing with me. »It's so beautiful«, I whispered and Charles softly wrapped his arms around me from behind. I liked him a lot but now I couldn't stop thinking about Sirius, imagining Sirius hugging me from behind instead of Charles.

»I have to be honest with you, Holly... I didn't really concentrate on studying today. And that's because«, he gulped and got to my left so I could look into his eyes, »that's because I like you. Quite a lot, actually...« Charles had a little nervousness in his eyes but his smile was adorable. »You don't have to answer right now if you're unsure but I'd still like to do that one thing-«, he said quietly, put his hands on each side of my face and kissed me slowly.   
Although I was still more than unsure I decided to give it a try, close my eyes and carefully kiss him back.

But before I could even start to enjoy the kiss I heard the slow and sarcastic sound of someone clapping their hands behind us. In confusion I pulled away from Charles, just to see Sirius standing near the staircase. I looked at him with mild disgust. Who did he think he was, coming here and interrupting Charles and me?!

»What are you doing here?«, I asked as calmly as possible. I felt hurt. Now that I was trying to forget him and be happy, he came back into my life, trying to destroy all of my progress again. »Are you really that dumb, Holly?«, he asked and walked up to us slowly. »What?«, I snarled. »Are you blind? He only wants to fuck you«, he answered without any emotion on his face. 

»Now you're really going mad, Black«, Charles grunted and put his arm around my waist. »Oh so you disagree? You're disgusting. Holly deserves someone who can take care of her and love her always«, Sirius replied. »Like whom? You? Because you took so much care of me after you fucked me on Christmas Eve«, I sad sarcastically. I was slowly getting angry.

»Wait, that's what happened on Christmas Eve?!«, Charles exclaimed and let go of my waist to look me in the eyes. »Yes. It was incredible. You should have seen her, Bell, she was all over me«, Sirius mumbled with a wicked smirk.   
»Sirius we were drunk, how dare you say such things now?!«, I yelled at him. I looked at Charles who ways eyeing me compassionately but also with worry in his eyes.

All of the sudden, Sirius took my head into his hands and kissed me hard. The world around us seemed to stop for a moment.   
But I knew that I couldn't let him do this so I pushed him away. »You can't just kiss me...«, I whispered but couldn't hide how confused I felt due to the kiss. 

Now Sirius was the one who got angry.   
And poor Charles just stood next to us, not knowing what to do. »OH BUT HE CAN? HE JUST WANTS TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS«, Sirius shouted. »That is-«, Charles began but was interrupted by me, getting angry again. »I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH YOU, SIRIUS. IT'S CALLED PROJECTION, HONEY, YOU INSINUATE YOUR WISHES TO CHARLES. GO LEARN SOME BASIC PSYCHOLOGY«, i yelled. 

»Okay nope«, Sirius said, grabbing my arm and pulling me down the stairs. »LET GO OF ME«, I screamed and hit his arm as hard as I could. »No. I want to talk to you. Now«, Sirius replied. »Holly? Are you okay?«, I heard Charles shout and his footsteps running down the stairs. But Sirius simply covered my mouth with his hand and pulled me into a small niche. I saw Charles running down the stairs but he didn't notice us.

Sirius then finally let go of me. »Will you please listen to me now?«, he asked with sadness in his voice. I crossed my arms, nodded and looked at him, waiting.   
»Okay, I know that you'll think I'm stupid or lying but I promise you, I'm not. I fell in love with you, Holly...«, he whispered. »No you didn't...«, I replied.   
›But what if he did though?‹, ran through my head.

»I did. It all started a few weeks ago when we had beaten your house at Quidditch but you were there with us to celebrate. I don't even know why I started falling for you, it just happened. You were so gorgeous the way you laughed and were happy for us... And then the Slug Christmas Party... Seeing you together with your ex made me just so jealous... I hated it. That was the point I realized that I wanted to be with you... And then Christmas Eve came and our kiss and I thought maybe, just maybe that this awesome girl could actually like me back. I honestly don't regret anything that happened that night. It was just amazing... You were amazing... But then you cut me off and I didn't know what to do so I kind of let you go. I thought you might just need some time and we could eventually go back to normal but we didn't. And you can't believe how hurt I was... And when you started going on dates with Charles Bell I simply didn't want to accept it. I know I'm an arrogant asshole sometimes«- I nodded- »but I absolutely hated seeing you together with him, laughing about his jokes. Whenever the two of you were together, I was always watching. The thought of you two kissing and making out drove me insane«, he explained. 

»That's sick. And kinda creepy«, I just said. »I know, I can't help it. I am honestly and deeply in love with you. Although I don't want to, although I never thought I could even fall in love... So please, give me a chance...«, Sirius whispered and caressed my cheek softly.  
I was speechless.   
»You're a mad guy«, I uttered quietly. »I know...«, he answered, »but please let me show you that I can be a better boyfriend for you than Bell could ever be...«

I sighed. »Alright. I'll go on one, ONE, date with you. And if it turns out fine I might give you a chance«, I said. Sirius serious look turned into a wide smile. »You're not gonna regret it«, he then grinned, kissed my cheek and then ran of, probably to tell James, Remus and Peter about it. 

I went to the library to clear my thought a little but Charles was already waiting there for me. »I knew you'd come here...«, he said, »let's take a walk.« I nodded and started walking around the corridors with him. »So you're going on a date with him now? A little tacky if you ask me«, he confronted me. »How did you know already?«, I asked guiltily. 

»Black doesn't really know a lot about discretion, as soon as he got to the common room he basically shouted it out. Everybody knows«, he replied with pain in his voice. »Oh Helga, he's such an idiot...«, I whispered. »He is. So why did you say yes to a date?«, Charles asked. I stopped walking. »I'll have to be honest with you...«, I started.

»Well that doesn't sound good«, he replied and scratched the back of his head nervously. »I really like you Charles, I do, but I think I'm falling in love with Sirius... You see, he's been my best friend for such a long time and it's really difficult for me to accept my feelings but it is what it is«, I said and looked on the ground. I felt so ashamed. I was scared Charles would think I just took advantage of him. 

»Well then, what can I do expect for wishing you the best«, he answered with a slight smile on his face but it was obvious that he was sad. »Thank you... I'm sure you'll find someone else who can love you wholeheartedly«, I smiled at him. »You're too good for this world«, he replied and pulled me in a warm hug. »Doin' my best«, I laughed quietly before he let go of me again and walked away to the Gryffindor common room.

_________________

»OH MY, YOU'RE FINALLY GOING TO DO IT?!«, Lily exclaimed. »Calm down Lily, it's just one date«, I laughed. The both of us were sitting in the Hufflepuff common room the next day to have some rest from the guys. »BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE FINALLY GOING ON A DATE WITH HIM!«, Lily yelled happily. Some of my fellow Hufflepuffs grinned. 

»He was so annoying in the last weeks, he was constantly asking about you and what you were up to and how you were feeling... Jesus, you actually made him crazy about you. What an experience «, Lily laughed. »Well if you say so«, I grinned. »But I think I broke Charles' heart«, I then added, feeling a little guilty. »Yes probably, he looked like he cried when he came back yesterday«, Lily admitted sadly. »I still feel so sorry for him«, I mumbled. »I know... But he'll get over it«, Lily uttered and gave me a hug. »I hope so«, I said quietly. 

For the next few hours Lily and I studied a bit until it was time for lunch and we walked to the Great Hall. »Will you now finally sit with us again?«, she asked. »I will«, I grinned and sat down next to her at the Gryffindor table. The marauders joined us after some time. Sirius sat down next to me and couldn't stop smiling weirdly. »How are you so in love?«, James asked laughingly. »Says you«, was Sirius' reply.

»So when is your date going to happen?«, Remus asked and began eating some of the mashed potatoes. »Tonight«, Sirius said. »Tonight?! What if I already had plans for tonight?«, I laughed. »You'd have to cancel them, babe«, Sirius smirked. His hand went under the table and squeezed my thigh lightly.. ›Oh Helga what is wrong with him, how is he that hot?!‹, I thought.   
»I know exactly what you're thinking about«, Sirius whispered into my ear. »Do you?«, I replied and put some mashed potatoes on my plate. 

»You're thinking about how hot I am and how much you want me to fuck your brains out right now«, Sirius murmured quietly. I almost choked. 

»Are you okay Holly?«, Remus asked with worry. I nodded. Sirius was low-key right. I had no idea how he did it but as soon as he was near me I couldn't stop thinking about his lips and his hands and what they could do to me.   
»Oh you like me talking dirty to you, don't you?«, he the whispered as he traced his fingers over my inner thigh.   
I felt my cheeks turn red. It suddenly felt very hot in here. 

Remus looked even more worried about me now. »You look pale... but also red... Are you sure you're okay, Holly? Maybe you got a fever«, he said and felt my forehead. »Godric, you're hot... You should go get some sleep«, Remus said but Sirius just smirked. »I can take you to your common room«, Sirius offered. 

›Merlin, everything but not that‹, I thought. I knew that if I'd be alone with Sirius I'll probably won't be able to hold myself back anymore. »I think that'd be good«, Lily said, now worried too. ›Help...‹, I thought as Sirius stood up and hold out his hand. 

Next thing I knew, I was pushed against a wall in the Gryffindor common room. »I want you«, Sirius breathed into my ear and began kissing from there down to my neck. »You are impossible«, I moaned, my hands grabbing his hair. »But you love me«, he grinned. »I think I never told you that«, I smirked and tilted my head to the side, giving him more access to my neck. I felt hot and cold at the same time. 

»You don't have to say it because I know you do«, he grinned and started unbuttoning my blouse. »Don't you think we should maybe get a room?«, I whispered.   
Sirius kissed me with lust and grabbed my arse causing me to moan again. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him back. He carefully carried me up the stairs to his bedroom. 

»Merlin, you're so sexy«, he whispered as he took off my blouse. He began planting wet kisses on my chest and neck while I impatiently ripped his shirt open. I couldn't stop moaning and started unbuckling his belt. »You're a hoe«, he smirked. »You were the one who started this, how can I be the hoe?«, I complained while he took off my pants. My heart was beating to my chest.

Sirius just smiled his sexy smile again and started to rub my clit through my underwear. I bit my lip and moaned. He continued to kiss my neck and chest in addition, causing me to grab his hair, wanting more. Sirius slowly went down, kissing my stomach until he got to my hips. His eyes looked deeply into mine as he slowly pulled off my underwear. I spread my legs my legs even wider as he started kissing my clit while he pushed two fingers inside of me, moving them in a slow rhythm. 

I moaned quietly. Sirius continued and started flicking my clit with his tongue. My hands grabbed his bedsheets and I felt myself getting even more wet. He began curling his fingers inside of me, hitting my sweet spot again and again. My moans got louder and I grabbed his hair, pushing his head deeper. I could already feel my climax building up when Sirius stopped. Then he kissed me again so I could taste my own sweetness on his lips. He drove me absolutely crazy.

I didn't want to wait anymore. My hands reached the zipper of his jeans so I slowly pulled them down. Sirius kissed me even harder and I continued undressing him completely, starting to slowly stroke his dick, making him groan. I pulled away from the kiss only to whisper words that turned him on even more. »I want you to fuck me, Sirius.« 

He groaned as he pushed his dick inside of me and started to thrust in a quick pace. I scratched his back and kissed him again, trying to conceal my moans. He held my hips down and started thrusting harder and deeper into me, hitting my sweet spot every time. »Oh god«, I moaned loudly. »I usually go by Padfoot but God sounds good too coming out of your mouth«, he smirked while going even faster. My eyes rolled back as he started to leave hickeys on my chest. He pulled out after some time telling me to turn over. I got on my hands and knees and he started fucking me from behind. I could feel his sweaty chest pressing against my back. His fingers started playing with my nipples and my ability to think stopped completely. 

»You feel so good«, Sirius groaned and grabbed my hips, thrusting into me even harder and faster than before. My moaning got louder and I felt my climax coming. »I'm almost there«, I nearly screamed. The pleasure of him fucking me was indescribable. »Me too«, Sirius groaned and pulled my hair. Both of us reached our climaxes at the same time and our cum dripped out of me as he pulled his dick out.

My legs were shaking immensely when I laid down next to him. »Damn, that was.... whew«, Sirius muttered with a raspy voice. »Hot«, I added, staring at the ceiling, not being able to move. 

»Would it be inappropriate to ask you if you want to be my girlfriend now?«, Sirius asked quietly. »You are such an idiot«, I laughed. »I'm an idiot who is absolutely in love with you«, he replied, turned over to me and pushed my hair away from my face. I smiled. ›Why shouldn't we try?‹, I asked myself. So I made my decision. »Okay, Sirius, I will be your girlfriend«, I said, not being able to hold back my grin. 

»Are you serious?!«, Sirius exclaimed happily. »Yes you dummy«, I grinned while biting my lip. Sirius grabbed my face and kissed me passionately. I smiled into the kiss, wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back. I felt so good, even better than ever before.   
»Oh Godric this feels amazing«, Sirius grinned after we broke the kiss. 

»I can't believe we did that«, I whispered. »I think that was awesome«, my now boyfriend replied. »Yeah but you do realize that Lily and Remus were quite worried about me, don't you?«, I giggled and snuggled up to him. »I don't care about what they think«, Sirius replied and started playing with my hair. »You're so beautiful«, he said quietly. »If you say so«, I mumbled and took his hand. 

»I think we should get dressed«, I said after a while. »Why, I like it like that«, Sirius grinned. »Well that's because you're a hoe. I personally don't want your friends to walk in here while I'm completely naked so I'm gonna get dressed now«, I laughed, stood up and put my clothes back on. 

»Fuck you're sexy«, Sirius muttered. »What is wrong with you?! Get dressed now!«, I giggled. Sirius stood up and finally got dressed again. He finished just in the right moment because one second later Charles walked into the room. »Oh... Hey... Sorry...«, he mumbled and walked straight out of the door again. I was starting to feel the guilt again but Sirius hugged me from behind. 

»I missed you so much«, he whispered into my ear and kissed my neck softly. »I missed you too, Sillius«, I replied as he cuddled me softly. »Do you want to go to the common room?«, he asked. »Yes but only if I don't have to talk about why my fever went away so quickly«, I answered. »Alright, no worries«, Sirius grinned and we walked down to the Gryffindor common room.

_________________

»Wait... What are you doing here, Holly?«, Remus asked me in confusion. »Yes, didn't you have a fever?«, James added. »Well actually no. I was teasing her under the table that's why she was acting all weird«, Sirius said casually.   
»SIRIUS!«, I shouted ashamedly.   
›Why would he say that. WHY would he say that. He is insane. Oh Merlin.‹  
»Oh and what happened next?«, Peter asked curiously. My face already looked like a tomato and I gave Sirius a look that was supposed to tell him to shut up. 

»Oh, we fucked. And we're in a relationship now«, Sirius said casually. »Well that escalated quickly«, Remus uttered dryly. I just hit Sirius against the arm. »Congratulations you guys«, Lily smiled. »So you had sex... Tell us, how was it?«, James smirked.

»JAMES!«, Lily and I yelled. »Bloody amazing«, was Sirius response.   
»I can't with these guys«, I sighed. »Me neither«, Lily giggled and hugged me. »Hey, don't you dare steal my girlfriend, I just conquered her!«, Sirius complained. »You're such an idiot«, I laughed and gave him a peck on the cheek. Just being around him again made me so happy.

»But can I talk with talk with you in private, Holly? Just real quick?«, Lily then asked a little more seriously. »Why of course«, I said stood up and walked with her to an empty corner. »Are you sure all of this isn't going a bit too fast now?«


	4. chapter four

»I don't really know«, I answered Lily's question. »What do you mean?«, she asked. »I mean, I know that all of this is really precipitate and I feel so sorry for Charles but when I look at Sirius it suddenly stops feeling wrong. It feels like it has to be«, I mumbled. »I'll just hope that this will work out for you«, Lily said, still a little worried. »I promise you I'll do my best«, I grinned crookedly. 

»Is everything okay, babe?«, Sirius asked from behind. »Yes«, I replied and Lily and I walked back to the boys. Sirius pulled me on his lap and hugged me from behind. I saw Charles looking at us disgustedly. »Just ignore him«, Sirius whispered into my ear. »It's not that easy«, I sighed.   
»Ah yes, the Hufflepuff is showing«, he replied with a small giggle. »Sirius, honestly...«, I muttered seriously. »Alright, I'm sorry...«, he answered and put his chin on my shoulder. Just being with him made my heart flutter.

»Man I've never seen you this happy, Padfoot«, James grinned. »Maybe because I've never been this happy before«, Sirius replied and kissed my cheek. »You are a lot cheesier than I thought you would be«, I smiled. »Are you surprised I have a soft side?«, he grinned. »Probably because he already had enough time to act out his hoe side«, James laughed. 

»Can you please shut up about this, it makes my girlfriend uncomfortable to talk about our sex life«, Sirius grinned. »Excuse me but we've been together for what, an hour now?«, I complained for fun. »And I love you«, Sirius whispered. »I know«, I just replied while smiling softly. 

_________________

»Holly I think we have to talk about something«, I heard someone call after me as I was walking through the corridors. I turned around to see Regulus Black and I felt like my stomach turned. »What is it?«, I asked as casually as possible. I was almost sure that he had already heard that I was dating his brother. Now I could only hope that he didn't tell our parents about it. 

»I certainly dislike seeing you with my blood-traitorous brother. It will make our marriage look rather bad in the future«, he said without any emotion in his voice. How did a sixteen year old boy even think about stuff like that? ›Shouldn't he be enjoying his youth?‹, I asked myself. 

»I'm sorry Regulus, but your brother and I«, I began but stopped. ›What? What are Sirius and me even?‹ »My brother and you what?«, he followed up. »We're kinda dating currently so please just ignore that if it bothers you. And it would be nice if you wouldn't tell any of our parents«, I said. »You're asking me to be nice although you know that I'm in Slytherin and don't care about that?«, he laughed coldly. 

»I'm sorry. It probably won't last anyways so you don't have to worry about it«, I replied. I was unsure whether I meant what I said. The whole situation had me just too confused. ›How can he be so cold?‹, I thought. »Well then... I'll see you around«, he them said and walked away.

»Oh so you think this won't last anyways? Why are you dating me then?«, I suddenly heard Sirius say. I turned around and looked directly into his grey eyes. ›How does he manage to always be wherever I am?‹, I thought. »Is there anything you want to tell me, Holly?«, Sirius added with a very aggressive tone in his voice. 

»I think you're forgetting something, Sirius. My parents want me to marry your brother so it really isn't that easy«, I replied. »Oh ›it isn't that easy‹. Good to know«, he said sarcastically, »Well it isn't easy for me either if you always do what your parents want. You know what? Fuck your parents! I don't want you to marry my brother!«

»Well I don't want to marry him either but what do you expect me to do?!«, I exclaimed. »Run away. We can move in together... I'll take care of you...«, Sirius said, now more calmly but I couldn't help but laugh coldly. »Am I getting this right? You really believe that you can just suddenly stop being the Womanizer of the school and expect me to not be worried about you leaving me for any other girl?!«

»That's what you think of me?«, Sirius laughed out but I could feel that I had hurt him. »Sirius, wait, no...«, I stammered but I didn't really know where I was going with my words. I couldn't lie. I was worried about this but I also trusted Sirius with my life.   
»Please make up your mind. I'd rather not be wasting my time with someone who doesn't trust me«, Sirius uttered quietly and walked away. I was absolutely speechless. ›We've only been together for about a month now, how are we already fighting?‹, I thought. It hurt me what I had said. It wasn't like I didn't trust him, I was just worried. I knew I had to talk to him.  
But as I ran after him but he had already disappeared.

_________________

»Guys have you seen Sirius?«, I asked as I sat down next to Lily at the Gryffindor table during dinner. »I actually wanted to ask you the same question. Haven't seen him since breakfast«, James said casually. »Is everything okay between the two of you?«, Lily asked quietly. »Not really... That's why I want to know where he is«, I sighed. »Have you looked on the Map?«, Peter asked James. »No, Sirius has it«, he replied. 

»Map? What Map?«, I questioned him in confusion. »Oh it's just some little Muggle Map, Sirius was interested in something, I don't know«, Remus answered, a little too frantically in my opinion. But I decided to believe him. For now.  
»Speaking of the devil«, James grinned, looking over to the entrance. I turned my head to see Sirius walking up to us slowly.   
He sat down next to James without even looking at me for one second. 

»Oh-oh, marital dispute?«, James joked, trying to loosen up the situation but Sirius just started eating without even answering his best friend. I saw James, Remus, Peter and Lily looking at each other with concern.   
»I'll just... I'll just eat at my table. Sirius, please meet me... I don't know, in the Entrance Hall after dinner«, I said, stood up and walked over to the Hufflepuff table. 

I didn't really have any appetite so I just ate a little bit before going to the Entrance Hall and waiting for Sirius. He followed me shortly after. »Did you eat enough?«, I asked him worriedly. »I had no appetite«, he replied indifferently. »But you still have to eat«, I said quietly. »Says you? I've seen you, you've eaten like what, half an apple?«, he replied sarcastically. 

»Okay look, I'm sorry about earlier. I just get extremely nervous when talking about stuff like that, you know that I can't just run away. And you were wrong because I do trust you, I just tend to overthink sometimes. But honestly, I have no idea what to do about your brother because if my parents find out that we're dating, we'll definitely have a problem. Especially my father, he's that kind of guy who always wants to be in control of everything. Dating a muggle-born was bad enough but I think dating you would he even worse for him because he already sees me as your brother's wife«, I explained sadly. 

»I'm sorry, Holly... I overreacted. I know that all of this isn't easy for you and I shouldn't be the jerk who makes it even more difficult... Can you forgive me?«, he asked, looking at me with puppy eyes. I let out a relieved sigh and hugged him tightly. »I love you, Sirius«, I whispered. As I was speaking I realized that this was the very first time I actually told him I loved him. »Wait, you do? You love me?«, he asked, nervous and happy at the same time. I felt myself tearing up. »Of course I do, why did you think I was dating you, dummy«, I replied and hugged him even tighter. 

Sirius started to giggle, picked me up and kissed me softly. Small tears rolled down my cheeks as I kissed him back. Sirius pulled away again. »Are you crying? Wait, why are you crying?! Did I make you cry?!«, he asked in panic and used his thumb to wipe away my tears which made me cry even more. »STOP CRYING WHAT IS HAPPENING«, Sirius panicked even more which made me laugh a little. 

»I love you, okay? I am a very emotional human being, please let me live«, I answered and ruffled his hair softly. »Oh thank Merlin«, Sirius sighed and kissed me again. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back.  
»You silly, silly boy«, I mumbled after we broke the kiss. »I know... But I love you«, he whispered into my ear and planted a kiss on my cheek.   
»I'm glad we talked about this«, I said quietly. »Me too... Wanna take a walk?«, he then asked. I nodded and took his hand.

We were walking around the hallways and talking about a lot of different stuff when he asked me what I wanted to do after Hogwarts. »That's a good question... I'm thinking about studying Magical Law and becoming a judge or a member of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad, I haven't decided yet...«, I answered »I think you'd be an amazing judge. Because you're always trying to do the right thing, you're fair and smart and everything«, Sirius said and smiled at me. Hearing him say that warmed my heart. Talking about the future was very important to me and I was glad he approved of my plans. »Thank you... But what about you? What do you want to do?«, I asked. 

»I thought about becoming an Auror but I don't think I will. At least not while Voldemort is still out there. The others and I already talked about joining the Order of the Phoenix. You know, full-time job fighting evil«, he grinned. »That's actually a really good Idea«, I admitted. I hadn't thought about joining the Order yet but Sirius pointing it out made me consider it. »Then why don't you join too? Could be good for you«, Sirius answered. »But you know that I can't just tell my parents that I'll fight You-Know-Who, right? I mean, they're not technically on his side but if he wanted them to follow him they probably would...«, I uttered. 

»Just don't tell them what you're doing then... You could fight with us in secret«, he suggested. »I know... And I'd love to... But I'll probably have to think about it. I can really be a coward sometimes...«, I answered. Sirius placed his hands on my cheeks and pulled me in for a short kiss. »I know, and that's okay. Not everybody has to be a Gryffindor«, he smiled and winked at me. »It better be«, I said and gave him another kiss. 

»Maybe you could study Wizarding Law and help us fight Voldemort whenever you're free«, Sirius then uttered. »Well now you're absolutely hilarious. Have you ever heard of a law student with free time?«, I said and playfully pinched his cheek. »But you're such a genius, if anybody manages to save the world and follow their dreams, it's you«, he grinned and kissed my neck softly. »Thanks, Sillius, but I personally think that you're blinded by your love«, I grinned.

»That might be possible... But I believe in you. And I don't want us to break up because we won't be seeing us a lot if I join the Order and you don't«, he said more seriously now. »We will make this work, no matter what, okay?«, I said and squeezed his hand softly. He smiled at me. »We will.«

_________________

»Mom, Dad, I want to move out.« I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents. I just took my N.E.W.T.s and passed with perfect grades. And I decided to join the Order of the Phoenix, together with Lily, Sirius, James, Remus and Peter. But as I had already planned, I was going to study Magical Law too as an excuse not to raise my parents' suspicion. And to follow my dreams, of course. »But why, honey? Taking care of a place of your own and your education surely is a lot of work«, my mother said. 

»It is, but I think the time has come for me to look after myself. I'm almost 18 now and I believe that it won't be too much of a problem«, I answered.   
What I didn't tell them was that I planned on moving in with Sirius as he already owned the place his uncle bought him when he turned 17.

»Alright, Sweetie. But we will of course support you financially. And we will visit you at least once a week«, my father said. ›Well, I think I did not think that one through. They can't meet Sirius... Especially Dad still wants me to marry Regulus...‹, I thought. »Alright, Dad«, I smiled as we continued to talk about my future as a Magical Law student.

The next morning I apparated Sirius' flat. »Oh, good morning, love, what a pleasant surprise«, he grinned and started to kiss my neck. »Wait, Sirius, we have to talk about something«, I said and softly pushed him away. »Oh... Did anything happen?«, he asked worriedly. 

»No, not really... But I told my parents that I wanted to move out yesterday and now they want to visit me at least once a week... But how are we going to pull this off without telling them that we're dating?«, I sighed.   
I was quite scared of my parents finding out about us and then forcing me to break up with him, just the way they did with my ex-boyfriend Dirk...

»Oh if it's only that. Don't worry about it, just tell them you bought a dog«, he grinned. I looked at him in confusion. ›What on earth does he mean???‹  
»How is that supposed to solve the problem?«, I laughed. »Well... There is something I didn't tell you. But you'll have to promise me to keep it to yourself. It's a secret«, he said dramatically and smirked. »You are such a drama queen, how is that even possible. You know exactly that I'd never do that. Just tell me«, I giggled. I was so in love with him.

»Okay, you may have already guessed it but Remus is a werewolf. And James, Peter and I became Animagi to help him through his part of the month. James is a stag and Peter is a rat, that's why we call them Prongs and Wormtail. I'm Padfoot and you can probably already guess what I am«, he grinned. »Ohh, you're a dog. But damn, that's crazy. How did you do that?!«, I said. »It was a lot of work but it was worth it. Everything to help my best bud Remus«, Sirius replied. 

»You're the biggest softie«, I grinned. »I am for the right people. So let me be my best soft self and make you some breakfast«, he smirked and kissed my neck slowly. »Sounds good«, I grinned and tilted my head to give him more access to my neck. »What would you like for breakfast, babe?«, Sirius asked, continued kissing my neck and slipped his hand under my shirt.

»If you don't stop this I'll have to say ›you‹«, I whispered into his ear. »Well then«, Sirius smirked sexily and took off my shirt. »You can't be serious«, I laughed quietly. »I am, though«, he just replied picked me up and carried me to his bedroom. »You're crazy«, I giggled. »For you, always«, he grinned and kissed me. I wrapped my hands around his neck and kissed him harder as both of us fell onto his bed. 

Just as it was to become even hotter in there, we were disturbed by the sound of a small pop. »Padfoot are you there? We need all the help we can get, some Death Eaters have become rebellious!«, Remus yelled from the kitchen. »Shit...«, Sirius cussed while I quickly put my shirt back on. We ran up to him and quickly apparated to the place of the fight. 

The Death Eaters were wearing masks with snake-like eye slits to cover their faces and shooting Unforgivable Curses at us. Although we were outnumbered by the Death Eaters we were able to fight them off until they gave up and disapparated.   
»Is everyone okay?«, Frank Longbottom asked loudly. »They got a few of the muggles... Did anybody see any witnesses?«, Remus said. Lily nodded. »We'll have to erase their memories.« »We do. And we have to meet up with the Order to discuss our next moves«, Sirius added. Alice Longbottom answered him. »Yes. We can meet at our house at four o'clock. But for now we have to clean this mess up.«

We met at the Longbottom's this afternoon to discuss the situation. »We have to be more careful when it comes to Muggles. It's too risky, they can easily find out about the wizarding world if this war goes on like this«, Arabella Figg mumbled. »That's true. We have to do everything in our power to fight You-Know-Who«, Aberforth Dumbledore agreed. Sirius put an arm around my shoulder. »Are you scared?«, he asked quietly. »I am a little...«, I answered. »Me too... But we're going to win this war, ok?«, he whispered and kissed my cheek softly. I nodded and smiled at him lightly.

_________________

For the next months we spent most of our time fighting the Death Eaters and You-Know-Who while I studied Magical Law at the same time. It was extremely stressful for me, but I thought it was worth it.   
Today we were meeting up with the Marauders and Lily at the Jily-flat (as I called it). We were sitting in the living room and talking about some stuff when James suddenly stood up.

»Okay guys, Lily and I wanted to tell you something«, he began. Sirius and I looked at each other meaningfully. »WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!«, James exclaimed happily. »OH MERLIN!«, I screamed, jumped up and hugged the two fiancées happily. »I'm so happy for you, when did you guys get engaged?«, I asked with tears of joy in my eyes. »Yesterday«, Lily smiled happily. ›Who would have thought that she'd end up growing old with the guy she used to hate back then?‹, I thought. I was so happy for them my heart almost exploded.

»Oh show me your ring, love«, I giggled and took her hand. She had a beautiful silver ring on her finger, decorated with a few diamonds. »It's gorgeous, isn't it?«, Lily sighed. I hugged her again. »You guys are too adorable«, I laughed. »We are. But Lily wanted to ask you something«, James grinned. I looked at Lily expectantly.

»Holly, will you be my Maid of honour?«, Lily asked me. »Aww of course I will«, I answered immediately. »And who is going to be your best man, James?«, I then added. »Sirius of course«, James grinned. »Oh, did you ask me first? Or did I forget something?«, Sirius joked. »You're a silly man, just be happy about it«, I laughed and hit his shoulder softly. »I am very happy«, my boyfriend laughed. 

»When will the wedding take place?«, Remus asked with a wide smile. »Probably in two months. We don't want anything big, just our families and close friends«, James explained. »Sounds good«, Remus said. »Yes, we're already excited«, James grinned.   
We joked and laughed through the rest of the evening, almost able to forget about the war that was destroying homes and families all around us.

»Thank you for the invite, I'll get going now«, Remus uttered later this evening. »Me too, I'm tired«, Peter said, stood up and took his jacket. »Alright guys, get home safely«, Lily smiled. We all said goodbye and Remus and Peter disapparated. »So it's only the four of us now«, Sirius grinned. »Hey Padfoot, what do you think of a double wedding?«, James smirked. »What are you talking about?!«, I laughed although I knew exactly what he was suggesting. 

I was nervous about Sirius' reaction. It would have been a lie if I had said that I didn't want to marry Sirius. My pulse raised as I looked up to my boyfriend. »Nah, thanks, I think we're good Prongs. I don't really want to marry«, Sirius said casually. I was smiling and nodding on the outside, but deep inside I felt my heart breaking a little. It was as if Sirius wasn't that serious about our relationship after all. 

»Well, that's okay too, I guess. We're still young«, James said and patted Sirius' back. »I think I'll get going too now... I'm a little tired, you can stay if you want, Sirius, no pressure«, I uttered, feeling numb. »Alright, see you later, babe«, Sirius said and kissed me softly. »Yes. James, Lily, thanks for the invite and congratulations again«, I smiled and hugged my best friend and her fiancé. »We'll see you around«, James said while smiling nicely. »Take care«, Lily added. »I will«, I replied before apparating back into Sirius' and my flat.

I got ready and put my pyjamas on before laying down in bed. ›Maybe I am just too used to the idea of marriages that I can't think clearly... Just because Sirius doesn't want to marry me, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me or doesn't want to spend his life with me... Maybe I should be less concerned‹, I tried to convince myself. But as I was staring in the dark corner of the room, my negative thoughts were too overwhelming. 

Hugging my pillow tighter I tried my best not to burst out into tears when I heard Sirius entering our flat. ›Just pretend you're sleeping‹, I simply decided and closed my eyes. 

»Hey, Holly- aww you're already asleep, have sweet dreams, my love«, he whispered after he got into our bedroom. I felt him planting a kiss on my cheek and heard him get ready for bed. He laid down next to me after he was ready and hugged me from behind. »I love you«, he muttered quietly. ›I love you too, Sirius‹, I thought to myself.

Unlike Sirius, I had trouble falling asleep. After two hours (at least it seemed to me as if two hours had passed), I couldn't bear laying in his arms anymore so I got up, walked into the kitchen and poured me a large glass of red wine. I opened the window and sat down on the floor, looking up into the night sky. The fact that it was freezing cold outside didn't really bother me. I had my wine to keep me warm. 

»What are you doing here?«, a voice suddenly asked. I turned my head to see Sirius standing in the door frame, looking at me worriedly. »Have you been crying?«, he added, came up to the window and sat down in front of me. »No«, I answered and took a sip of my wine. Only then did I notice that tears were running down my cheeks. 

»Hey, baby, don't cry, I'm here for you«, Sirius whispered, took the wine glass out of my hand and hugged me tightly. »You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to«, he said while petting my head softly. I nodded and gave up trying to hold back my tears. Now I was laying in his arms, sobbing, crying my eyes out. »Oh love, what happened?«, he asked sympathetically. »Didn't you just say that I wouldn't have to talk about it?«, I responded, slowly calming down again. »Of course... I'm sorry«, Sirius replied.

»It's okay...«, I sighed. He wiped my tears away with his thumb. »But you know that I'm always there for you if you want to talk about it, right?«, he then whispered after I've stopped crying. I nodded again. Sirius hugged me a little tighter and gave me a kiss.   
»Were you crying because of me?«, he asked after about five minutes. »It doesn't matter«, I replied. »I think it does. It's because of the thing I said about marriage, isn't it?«, Sirius uttered. 

»Maybe?«, I said quietly. »That's what I thought... Look, it's not that I'd never want to marry, it's about not marrying yet, during a war and all of this... I don't really feel ready for something like that. It's a big step in life... And I think you've forgotten the problem with my brother. I mean, both of our parents still believe that you'll marry Regulus. And also, how could we marry if your parents don't even know about us...«, Sirius replied. »Okay, you're right...«, I said. »You know what? We can talk about this again, another time. Let's go to sleep, alright, lovely?«, he mumbled into my ear and I nodded.


	5. chapter five

For the next months I've been pursuing my career and fighting for the Order in addition. But today we had our day off. It was the day of Lily's and James's wedding. »Ah hello, you must be Holly, it's lovely to finally meet you!«, an elderly woman said and hugged me as I walked into the door. »Then you must be Mrs Evans. Nice to meet you too«, I smiled at Lily's mother. 

»Mum, I need your help with the dress!«, Lily yelled from a different room.   
»Hey most beautiful bride on the planet!«, I grinned as I walked into said room. »Holly! You're here!«, Lily exclaimed happily and hugged me. »You look so gorgeous, James is the luckiest groom ever«, I said. »Aww thank you!«, my best friend replied. »But now come on, we have to get you into that dress!«

A few hours later the formal stuff was all done and it was time for the party. »Are you enjoying your time?«, Sirius asked me after James' and Lily's first dance was over. »Most definitely«, I replied with a wide smile on my face. »Wanna dance?«, he inquired and took my hand. »I'd love to«, I grinned and went over to the dance floor with him. 

He put his arms around my waist and I wrapped mine around his neck and we began dancing to a slow song. »You know that I love you, right?«, he whispered after a while. »Of course I do...«, I answered. »But I mean even though I don't want to marry yet...«, he then added. »Don't worry about it, okay?«, I simply replied and gave him a short kiss. Times were difficult enough, I didn't need to worry about a marriage right now.

We continued to dance to a few songs until it was time for the speeches. Sirius was the first one to go. 

»Dear Lily. You are the luckiest woman on earth to marry my best friend. And you deserve it more than anyone else in this world. I know, it isn't always easy with this dumb fucker, but believe me when I tell you that he loves you more than anything, even more than Quidditch.« A few people, including James, giggled. »And dear James. I can't believe how quickly time has passed. It feels as if we became best friends only yesterday and now you're already getting married. And I am so proud of you. Although it may or may not have seemed hopeless when you first fell in love with Lily, it worked out so well. And that's what I wish you two in the future. That you two will be as happy as you are now forever.«   
Sirius continued to tell a few funny anecdotes about James' life so far but I mainly focused on his lips and laugh. 

My heart just skipped a beat every time his eyes met mine. I didn't know what it was but today I was especially in love with him. He made me so crazy just with his smile and his laugh.  
Maybe because it was such a happy day. Maybe because we could laugh more than any other day.

It was just beautiful to see Sirius happy like that. The fact that You-Know-Who was getting stronger and the war didn't seem to be anywhere near an end caused him to be a lot more serious than during our time at Hogwarts. He still joked around sometimes but all of us could feel the impact the deaths of many of our acquaintances had on our psyches. 

After Sirius ended, it was time for my speech. I talked a bit about how Lily and I met and told a few stories about Lily and James. The time passed quickly and we had a lot of fun until Sirius and I decided to go home. 

»Hey Prongs, Lily, we're about to head home now«, Sirius said and wrapped his arm around my waist. »Alright, have fun«, James said with a grin on his face, »and Holly, don't get pregnant!« »Ha ha, so funny«, I replied sarcastically. »But honestly, I had a great time, thanks for the invite again«, I then added with a smile. »Yes, thank you guys, if you need any help with cleaning this place up tomorrow, just send us a Patronus«, Sirius said. »Yes, thank you«, Lily smiled and James nodded. We said goodbye to the other guests and then apparated home.

»Have I told you that you look gorgeous tonight?«, Sirius whispered in my ear as soon as we landed in our flat. »Well thank you, you look very handsome too«, I grinned. »I know, I could tell by the look on your face every time you laid eyes on me«, he replied with a raspy voice. I grinned. »But honestly, you look stunning in this dress... Although I'd probably prefer you without it«, he then added. 

»Are you serious?«, I laughed. »Of course I am«, Sirius answered and pushed me against the wall. Shivers went down my spine and my heartbeat raised. His lips nibbled on my neck and the atmosphere began steaming up. My breath quickened as he slowly pulled down the zipper of my dress. He left wet kisses on my neck and on my shoulders and I tilted my head to give him more access. Sirius pushed the straps of my dress to the side, causing it to fall down to the floor. 

»You're such a tease...«, I whispered. »I know. Because I know you love it«, he murmured and trailed his fingers over my thighs. I let out a heavy breath. Sirius softly squeezed my thigh and I wrapped my arms around his neck to kiss him passionately. He kissed me back while slipping his hand into my panties and starting rub my clit slowly. I didn't know how but the atmosphere got even more steamy. My hands went up to his collar, slowly loosening his tie and unbuttoning his shirt.   
»I want you«, I moaned into his ear. »As you wish, my love«, Sirius replied, picked me up and carried me into the bedroom.

A few seconds later I was lying on the bed, only wearing a bra and almost dripping panties. Sirius already was on top of me, probably feeling like the king of the world.  
›I won't let him be the only one teasing...‹, I thought to myself.  
Sexily grinning I lifted my hips and started rubbing his dick slowly, causing him to groan. Sirius had his eyes shut a little, obviously loving every movement of mine.  
I just loved the sound of his groans filling the hot air inside our bedroom.

After some time he suddenly stopped me from teasing him by kissing me roughly. He took off my bra and started licking my breasts. All I could concentrate on now was trying not to moan too loudly. I reached for his soft dark hair and buried my fingers inside it.  
»Don't stop...« I begged quietly. Sirius reached for my panties and ripped them off. I gasped as he entered me with two of his fingers.  
»Oh god...« My voice was shaking. Sirius started to pump inside of me and rub my clit, leaving me a wet, moaning mess.  
»Sirius... Fuck me properly« I whispered, not sure if he could even hear it in between my loud moans. »You want my dick, baby?« he chuckled with his deep, sexy voice. »Please...« I whimpered. His love made me look so crazy.

Sirius undressed himself completely and entered me slowly. He began to move and got faster and faster over time until the only sounds filling the room were loud moans and his skin slapping against mine. I buried my nails in his back as he pounded into me even harder.

»I'm cumming« I breathed. My voice had almost disappeared completely.  
»Me too« Sirius said while groaning loudly.  
My legs were shaking like crazy seconds before I came all over Sirius' dick. About two seconds later he came inside of me as he was moaning my name. He pulled himself out and fell next to me on the bed.  
Both of us were panting hard. »Damn«, he whispered. »I know, right?«, I replied with an exhausted grin on my face as I cuddled him softly. »Hey, did I ever tell you that I love you?«, Sirius smiled and gave me a peck on the forehead. »Yes, every day, but don't you dare stop«, I whispered as I felt my eyelids getting heavier.   
»Sleep well, gorgeous«, was the last thing I heard before I fell asleep.

_________________

I woke up early the next morning so I decided to get up and make breakfast. Sirius was still asleep, holding his pillow tight. ›Such a softie‹, I thought as I threw one of his shirts on and went to the kitchen.   
I was just about to put everything on the table when I heard the doorbell ring. As I opened the door, I was facing both of my parents. »Happy birthday!«, they yelled in unison and hugged me. I looked at them in confusion. 

»Birthday?«, I mumbled. »Oh no, did you actually forget?«, my mother asked, making a pouty face. ›Shit, Sirius is still in bed‹, I thought, just when my father started to eye my outfit. »What is that?«, he asked suspiciously and pointed at the shirt I was wearing.

»Oh that's just... Uhm... my sleep shirt. But let me get changed real quick, make yourself at home«, I smiled and rushed into the bedroom where Sirius was already looking at me in confusion.   
»What's up?«, he asked pulling me into a hug and kissing my neck softly. »My parents...«, I sighed. My boyfriend smirked. »Do you need some distraction from your thoughts?«, he asked while slowly pulling off my shirt. 

»No wait, you don't understand...«, I said and stopped him. »They are actually here, they wanted to surprise me.«  
»Fuck«, Sirius swore quietly. »Yes. I have to get changed«, I answered, quickly putting on some more appropriate clothes. I prayed my parents didn't see my dress from yesterday as I made it disappear from the hall with a swing of my wand.

»Holly, where are you?«, I heard my mother shout from the kitchen. »Coming!«, I answered, squeezed Sirius' hand briefly and walked back to my parents. »Where's your dog? Snuffles, right?«, my dad asked with his lips curved into a slightly tormented looking smile. »Snuffles is still asleep«, I said, just when Sirius walked into the kitchen in his animagus form. 

He sat down next to my feet, slightly growling at my parents. »Hey Snuffles, it's okay, be nice to my parents please«, I said to the huge black dog and ruffled his fur.   
I got up and put the breakfast on the table.   
»Darling, we have to tell your something. We did not only come here for your birthday. As you know, Regulus just graduated«, my mother said, eyeing me carefully. ›Snuffles‹ began growling as he heard his brother's name.   
»What is up with this dog?«, my father grumbled.   
»Anyways, we thought it would be a good idea if the two of you got to know each other a little better before announcing your engagement«, my father then added. 

›Fuck. Shit. Shit, shit, fuck‹, was everything I was able to think. »Are you sure that an engagement isn't a bad idea right now? I mean, we're kinda in the middle of a war«, I said calmly. »That's exactly the reason why we want you two to marry quickly«, my mother smiled. I felt as if I was about to vomit.   
»Mom, Dad, I can't just marry Regulus«, I quaked. »Why not? He is such a smart young man with an influential family«, my father replied. »I can't because I've met someone else«, I whispered. »Oh. Whom? Who do you think is better match for you than Regulus Black?«, Dad then asked. 

›Quick, think of someone‹, I thought. I couldn't tell them about Sirius. Not now, maybe not ever.  
»Bartemius Crouch. Barty and I are kind of together right now«, I lied and my mother's face lit up immediately. »Oh the Crouchs are definitely even more influential than the Blacks. Oh honey you really have got an eye for the great guys, don't you?«, she laughed happily. Meanwhile Sirius was under the table in his dog form, obviously almost throwing up. 

»Is your dog okay?«, my father asked with a very disgusted look on his face. »Yeah, he just gets spasms sometimes, please ignore it«, I smiled as casually as I could. »Maybe you should go for a walk«, my mother suggested. »No, he is okay, trust me... But honestly, I think I'll have to sort out the thing with Barty and me before I can think about Regulus. And I don't want my colleagues to think badly about me because I'm kind of dating the son of one of the most important judges. So please don't tell anyone about our relationship«, I said.

»Alright, don't worry, we won't tell anyone, love«, my mother said. »Oh Merlin, such good news. Mrs Holly Crouch. Immaculate«, my father said happily. Sirius growled quietly.

»Okay, not that I want to kick you out, but I'll have to leave soon. The law is calling«, I joked. »But honey, it is Sunday. You won't be studying today, will you?«, my mother said. »I think I'll have to. The career I want to have takes a lot of work and time«, I replied. »Alright. We will leave you alone then. Although I do not support that you work on your birthday«, my father uttered and got up. »Do not work too much, will you?«, my mother whispered worriedly, got up and pulled me into a hug. »Of course«, I answered.

A few minutes later my parents were gone and Sirius was back in his handsome human form. »You got to be kidding me, love. Barty Crouch?! Honestly, couldn't you have told them that it was at least someone a little handsome? Or maybe at least someone who isn't a Death Eater?«, he complained.   
»Oh boy, I can't just tell them that I'm dating you. And we don't have any proof about him being a Death Eater«, I replied. »Okay but realistically seen. Why can't we? What are they going to do about it? I love you and you love me. If we'd just tell them-«, he began but I interrupted him. 

»Sirius, it isn't that easy. I mean, we know for a fact that your brother is a Death Eater. Don't forget that he still thinks that we broke up after our time at Hogwarts. If he hears that I'm dumping him for his brother again, he'll probably get his little Death Eater friends and we'll be dead before my parents would even have met you. How do you think this would work?«, I sighed.   
Sirius pulled me into a tight hug. »You're right, baby. I'm sorry«, he whispered and kissed my cheek softly. »If we defeat You-Know-Who, we can start thinking about telling my parents about us. But for now we should wait.«

_________________

»Hey Macmillan, can I talk to you for a minute?«, I heard as I was walking through the Ministry of Magic. It was the friday after Lily's and James' wedding and I was walking through the ministry as I had just finished my work for today.  
I turned around and looked into a pair of brown eyes. »Actually, I'm on my way home. Had a rough day and everything«, I said as calmly as possible. »But you do know who you are talking to, don't you?«, the young man asked.   
»Of course I do«, I answered, »but as I said, it's Friday afternoon and I want to go home.« 

To me, there had always been something off about Barty Crouch Jr.. While his father, head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement worked all day to convict criminals to life imprisonment in Azkaban, the son didn't seem to be following in his footsteps. Father and son clearly had some issues with each other. But who was I to judge.

"Miss Macmillan, I strongly believe that we have something to talk about«, Barty Crouch Jr. then demanded, increasingly aggressive. I stopped. »What do you want to talk about?«, I asked. 

»Something quite odd has happened to me yesterday.« »And what is it?«, I sighed, not looking him into the eyes. I was already suspecting the worst.

»Oh, your father told me that he's happy about our relationship. And I thought, well, what a strange thing to say, considering that we have never talked before«, Barty smiled. It was an ice-cold smile. A shiver ran down my spine. 

»Oh, that. I hope you'll forgive me, but I had to find an excuse to get out of something«, I replied. »And what did you want to get out of?«, he asked, still keeping his sociopathic smile. »I'm afraid that's none of your business, Mr Crouch«, I answered calmly. Barty grabbed my wrist. »But it is though. If you plan on using my name to your advantage, you should consider that I want to know why«, he said even more aggressively.   
I was silent. My wrist which he was still squeezing started to hurt. 

»It's to get out of your engagement with Regulus Black, isn't it?«, Crouch grinned. »Let me go«, I uttered.   
»So it is about the engagement... Interesting. You know, I could keep quiet about this. But I'd want a favour«, he said in a triumphant tone.   
»What do you want?«, I asked. ›It probably isn't about money. He's a Crouch after all, he has more than enough of it‹, I thought. 

»You're an attractive woman. You could join me and my friends at our little party this weekend«, Crouch said and squeezed my wrist even tighter. I tried to free my hand but I failed. »What would I want at party with your friends?«, I uttered as calmly as possible while my heartbeat raised quickly.   
Barty leaned closer to my ear. »You'd just be paying your debt. I have a lot of friends who would want to have some fun with you if you understand what I'm saying«, he whispered.

I flinched and tried to escape his grip again. »You disgust me«, I spat out. His grin just grew bigger.   
»What the fuck is going on here?!«, a loud voice suddenly said. My head spun around to see Sirius quickly running up to us. »None of your business, Black«, Crouch grinned. My boyfriend looked as if he wanted to punch him in the face. »Let go of her, Crouch«, Sirius growled. Barty finally let go of my wrist. It was red and swollen and hurt like hell.

»Oh now I get it. It's about the two of you. You've never broken up, have you? How interesting«, he grinned. ›Fuck‹, I thought. »Now everything makes sense. But you know what? You two will get enough punishment from your parents as soon as this gets out. And that will happen, don't worry about it. So I guess I'll leave you two alone. Have a nice day«, Crouch smiled wickedly and quickly walked away.

»Are you okay, love? What did he want?«, Sirius asked while carefully examining my wrist. »My dad told him that I told him we were in a relationship so he wanted me to fuck him and his friends in exchange or something like that«, I said. I wanted to vomit.

»That fucking bastard!«, Sirius exclaimed. His hands were shaking and his glare probably could have killed people. »Babe, please calm down. Let's just go home...«, I sighed. I took his hand and squeezed it softly, making him calm down a little.  
»Alright«, my boyfriend said before pecking my cheek and apparating home with me. 

_________________

A few months had passed and we only had one day of the year 1979 left. I hadn't spoken to Crouch Jr. again, probably just because I wasn't of any use for him.  
It was December 30th, 4am when I was woken up by a loud pounding on the door. Sirius just groaned and turned to the other side but I had the feeling that there was something wrong.   
I got up and quickly put a jacket on before going to the door.   
»What are you doing, it's like, what, 3am?«, Sirius grumbled. »4am, actually«, I yawned. 

The hammering on the door got louder. Sirius groaned again and put his head under his pillow. Although my whole body felt week and tired, I walked to the door and opened it.   
»Oh honey finally!«, my mother cried, pushed the door open and hugged me tightly. Wet drops fell down on my shoulders and ran down my back.   
»Mum, are you crying?«, I whispered.   
›Why am I even asking, it's obvious...‹

She grabbed me even harder and continued wailing. »Mum, what happened?«, I asked and softly patted her back. Never in my life have I seen my mother devastated like that. Something terrible had to have happened.   
»Your father.... He... And, and... Regulus and Orion too«, she cried out. More and more of her tears were rolling down my back. 

Now I was getting nervous too. »Mum?! What happened to them?!«, I asked although I was having the very bitter feeling of already knowing what has happened.   
»They're dead, ALL OF THEM ARE DEAD!«, my mother wept.   
My heart stopped for a beat. »They're... dead?«, I stuttered. My eyes started burning. My mother just nodded and hold me even tighter.   
Tears started to fall down my cheeks. ›How are all of them dead?!‹, I thought. Too many theories rushed through my mind but none of them really made much sense.  
My brain wasn't functioning right now anyways

»Do you want to stay here tonight?«, I asked quietly after we had stopped crying. I knew that it made no sense to ask her now how my father had died so I just did my best to calm her down. My mother nodded.  
»I'll sleep on the sofa, thank you, love«, she answered. »Alright. Let me get you a blanket«, I said and went over to the bedroom.

»Oh god, I heard what happened, are you okay, baby?«, Sirius asked quietly, immediately hugging me after I stepped into the room. His voice always had such a calming effect on me. »I'm not sure... My mum will stay the night...«, I whispered. Sirius nodded, let go of me and got our spare blanket.   
»I'm so sorry«, he told me as he gave me the blanket. I just nodded and walked back to my mum who had already fallen asleep on the sofa. I carefully wrapped her into the blanket and put a glass of water on the coffee table.

»Do you want to talk?«, Sirius asked me after I got back into bed. »Not now... Just hug me, please«, I mumbled. He nodded and wrapped his arms around me. »I love you«, he uttered and kissed my cheek softly. I just sighed and snuggled up to him.   
My eyelids grew heavier. All if the crying had really exhausted me. »Sleep well, darling«, my boyfriend whispered.

But I didn't sleep that night. Although I was tired as hell, I didn't sleep.  
Too many thoughts were running through my mind.   
It felt like years until the sun was finally rising. I got up and walked over to the kitchen. My mother was still sleeping like a rock so I decided to make some breakfast. 

As I was making some scrambled eggs, Sirius came up to me and hugged me from behind. »Don't you think we could just tell your mother about us now? I mean, the other problems with our families aren't there anymore«, he whispered.  
I sighed. »You're not wrong, but I believe that it's far too soon to talk about her about such topics...«, I felt tears building up in my eyes. »I mean, Dad died just yesterday... We need time to grieve.« My boyfriend nodded and kissed my cheek softly. »I'm always there for you, my love«, he whispered.

»Holly? What is going on here? Who is that young man?«, I heard my mother say all of the sudden. I spun around to look her directly in the eyes. Sirius turned around too and as soon as my mum recognised his face, the expression on her face became aghast. »Sirius Black... I should've known...«  
Guilt. All I felt was guilt.

»Mum, I am so sorry, I didn't know how to tell you...«, I whispered, unsure about what to do or say. She looked so weak as she sat down at the table, looking at me with clear disappointment. »How long has this been going on?«, she asked. »Almost a year now«, Sirius answered. I sat down next to my mother. »I cannot believe you have lied to us«, she muttered quietly. »Mum, I am so sorry... I just wanted to be with Sirius... I couldn't help myself«, I said, my head facing down at the table. I couldn't look her in the eyes. 

»I should have known. The way you looked at each other last Christmas... You could have just told me, Holly darling...«, my mother cried silently. »I couldn't, actually... You would have told Dad and Dad would probably have killed Sirius«, I replied, still not facing her.   
»You are right... Sirius, could you just leave us alone for a few minutes, I need to talk to my daughter in private«, she then said. Sirius nodded and walked out of the kitchen.

»Darling, as much as I want you to be happy, Are you sure that this man is the right one? I know guys like him, they are trouble«, my mother uttered, took my hand and squeezed it.   
»Then you clearly do not know any guys like him...«, I replied.   
»Honey, I'm serious... I know that he will betray you sooner or later...«

»Mother, you have no Idea what you are talking about. I get it, you are depressed about Dad, I am too, but that doesn't mean that you have to let your frustration out on Sirius and me«, I said, low-key getting angry.  
»Calm down, please. There's no need to get angry at me. I promise to not tell anybody about you two, as long as you promise to take it slow with him. I don't want to see you heartbroken with a child he doesn't want or anything like that. Okay?«, she answered. I nodded.

I would not let anything like that happen.


	6. chapter six

A few months had passed and winter began to end. My mother and I were slowly getting over the death of my father and she started to accept Sirius as my boyfriend. She still didn't like him too much, but at least she stopped trying to talk me out of this relationship. 

I was sitting at the kitchen table, studying for my next exam when I heard the doorbell ring. »Coming!«, I yelled as I put my books aside.  
When I opened the door I looked into Lily's nervous face.   
»Holly, I need your help«, she said and nearly sprinted into the flat. »What happened?«, I asked in confusion and closed the door. 

»Is Sirius here?«, she asked. I shook my head. »I believe he's out with your husband.«  
»Good... Holly. I think I have a problem«, she then whispered and sat down at the table.  
»What happened?«, I asked. Hearing that sentence worried me more than I wanted to admit.

»Okay look, I didn't get my period for like, four months... I thought it's just due to the stress with You-Know-Who and the Order and everything but it now has come to my mind that I might be...« She stopped.   
»Pregnant«, I finished her sentence. »Yes... I brought this muggle pregnancy test, I thought I'd be easier for me if you were there«, she said.   
I could tell how nervous she was. Her hands were shaking as she took the test out of her bag and her eyes were almost tearing up.

I hugged her softly. »Hey, I'm there for you. Don't worry. Just take the test, I'll wait here for you«, I smiled. »Thank you Holly...«, she whispered, got up and went to the bathroom.   
She came back after a few minutes.   
»Do you have a result?«, I asked. »No we still have to wait a few minutes«, she answered. »Alright, let me make you some hot chocolate.«  
»Thank you Holly«, Lily smiled.

After a few minutes - we had already emptied our hot chocolates - we decided to take a look at the test.  
»Oh Merlin, Holly«, was the only thing Lily was able to say. I let out a high screech and hugged her tightly. »YOU'RE PREGNANT, OH HELGA, THAT'S WONDERFUL!«  
»I am not sure... I mean... We're in the middle of a war...«, she muttered. »Hey, Sweetie, it's gonna be okay. As long as you can be happy and your child can be happy... I mean, don't worry about it too much, Alice and Frank are expecting their child too, your children can become friends and play together, it will be beautiful«, I told her which cheered her up a little.

Lily being pregnant made me so happy. She and James really had the perfect relationship and I just knew they would be awesome parents for their little child.

»You know what? You're probably right. I'll tell James as soon as he gets home today«, she smiled. »I'm sure he'll be more than happy«, I uttered and hugged her again.  
»I hope so«, she giggled. »Send me an owl about his reaction«, I said before I let go if her.   
»I will.«

_________________

»Hey darling, I'm back«, I heard Sirius say as he entered our flat. »There's pasta in the fridge if you want some«, I yelled from the bedroom. »Uhh, awesome!«, he yelled back.  
I thought we could have a nice evening b few seconds later – as he came into our bedroom – his face was completely blank. He looked as if he had seen a ghost (not that seeing ghosts was unusual for us but he looked pale and shocked).

»Babe, is that yours?«, he asked seriously. »What do you mean?«, I replied in confusion until I saw the pregnancy test in his hand. »Please tell me this isn't yours...«, he whispered. 

»What do you mean ›please‹?«, I uttered. My heart ached. »I mean, by Merlin, tell me you're not pregnant«, Sirius said with a calm voice but I could tell he was insanely nervous. 

»It isn't mine, but why are you so anxious?«, I asked quietly. I heard Sirius let out a sigh of relief.   
›He must really despise kids...‹, I thought to myself.   
»Do you actually hate the idea of having children?«, I muttered. 

»Yes, I kinda do... I don't want any more children in this world who have my parent's genes... Ew, Merlin, no... Just imagine them being like my parents or my brother or my cousins... disgusting«, he ranted.  
»But your children could also be like you...«, I threw in.   
»Look, Holly, I don't think you understand this, but I really do not want to continue the Black-bloodline... There is no need for more people who are or think like my parents do. Even the same genes are too much«, Sirius grumbled. 

I felt sick. Of course, I had always known how Sirius had despised his family but I only now realised to what extent.  
He looked so angry.

»Alright... I'm sorry...«, I muttered, still confused about this whole situation.  
»Whose is it then?«, he asked.  
»It's Lily's... I think I'm going to sleep... Don't forget to eat something...«, I said quietly and laid down on the bed.  
»Alright... Sleep well... I love you, Holly«, Sirius answered but I just cuddled up in my blanket and turned over so I didn't have to look at him.  
It hurt me that he didn't even consider children one bit. As if we couldn't raise them better than his parents could...

I closed my eyes as I heard him leave the room but it took me some time to fall asleep.

_________________

The atmosphere between Sirius and me didn't quite improve in the next few weeks. When our friends were around we just pretended everything was still normal but as soon as we got home we kind of ignored each other. Not even James asking Sirius to be the godfather of their child if it was to be a boy and Lily asking me to be the godmother if it was a girl could cheer us up.  
Everything just felt off.

_________________

»Holly, we do need to talk... We cannot continue this way...«, Sirius said one late June evening. Lily was already very much pregnant and she had already tried to get me to tell her about Sirius and my problems. She was one of the only people whom I couldn't lie to. This woman was just too smart.

And besides that, everyone else had different problems like for example the fact that You-Know-Who was gaining more and more power and followers and defeating him wasn't as easy as we had hoped.

And as if that weren't enough, Dumbledore suspected that someone from the order was a spy for You-Know-Who.   
And then the prophesy that caused You-Know-Who to go after Lily and James.

»I know, Sirius... It's just... I'm worried about everything...«, I whispered and took a sip from my red wine.   
»I get it... I'm worried too... It's just not an easy time. And not being able to talk to you about everything doesn't make things easier either...«, he replied.   
I sighed.

»I'm sorry about the way I acted when we talked about having children... My opinion hasn't changed since then but it's just how I am. But as long as you're not pregnant it isn't even a problem, is it?«, Sirius said quietly.  
»It's alright... I'll get over it eventually so don't worry about it too much...«, I answered.  
»But you still love me, don't you?«, he then asked. »Of course I do, Sillius...«, I mumbled. 

His lips curved up slightly. Oh god was he beautiful.  
I sighed again, came up to him and wrapped my arms tightly around his body. »I miss you...«, I whispered. »I miss you too, darling... Maybe we can just put our differences regarding this topic away and talk about it after this death eater plague is over«, Sirius suggested.   
»Yeah, that's probably for the best«, I agreed.

»I love you, Holly«, he smiled. »And I love you, Sirius...«

_________________

Harry James Potter was born on July 31, 1980. He was a beautiful little boy and we all agreed he would grow up to be just as stunning as his parents.

»Are you sure Sirius doesn't want kids? I mean look at him, he's practically living his role as Harry's godfather«, Remus grinned when we were all invited over for Christmas at James and Lily's house. »He'd be a perfect Dad.«  
»I know, right? We'll see, I mean we're still young«, I smiled.

Although I didn't quite believe my own words, moments like these gave me hope. Sirius playing around with little Harry next to the Christmas tree, Lily being worried about them crashing said tree, James laughing at them, Peter sneakily eating all the food and Remus and me just talking about life. It was like it was just the six of us. No problems, no death eaters. 

It made us nearly forget we were in a magically hidden house, trying to protect Harry from You-Know-Who.

»I think James has to be careful that Sirius doesn't steal Harry from him«, Remus joked. I couldn't hold back a laugh. »It certainly is possible«, I grinned.

»You know, Holly, moments like these really make me think how beautiful life can be«, Remus said.   
»You're right... I wish it could be like this all the time...« »But then we wouldn't appreciate it as much«, Remus smiled. »And you're right again, how do you do that all the time?«, I laughed. »Well, as you know, I am a certified genius«, he grinned and winked at me. 

It was a funny evening for all of us. James and Sirius retold old school stories about them pranking McGonagall, Remus, Lily and I were talking about Politics and Peter was - as always - just listening, enjoying the company and eating all the snacks.

»I think we should really do this more often«, I told Sirius after we got home.  
»You were really bonding with Moony again tonight«, Sirius uttered.   
»Oh yes, I kind of love being around him and Lily more again after Hogwarts. I mean apart from the Order of course«, I smiled.

»Did he get funnier or did you just get easier to entertain?«, Sirius then asked with a joking tone. »I'm not sure, maybe both«, I grinned. »Oh...«, he answered drily.  
»Is everything okay?«, I asked.   
›Wait damn minute, is he jealous?!‹

»Oh, yes, of course... I'm just a little tired, darling«, Sirius smiled and gave me a small kiss on the lips.   
»Well then... Let's go to sleep, it's getting late«, I answered.  
›If he says he's not jealous, he probably isn't... I'm tired too... And a little drunk... I'm probably just imagining things.‹

_________________

A few months went by and Sirius and I were pretty much back to normal.

Well, that was at least until I realised my period was getting late. I didn't know what to do. And I couldn't talk to Lily because her mother had just passed away and she needed some time for herself.

So after I finished my work at the ministry that day I decided to visit Remus to talk about this problem. I bought a pregnancy test and apparated to his flat.

»Oh hi Holly, come in«, he smiled as he opened the door.  
»Remus I have like the biggest problem«, I said as soon as the door behind me was closed.  
»Come, sit, I'll make us a tea. Then you can tell me everything about it«, he replied and went to the kitchen.

A few minutes later we were sitting on his couch, sipping the tea.  
»Remus I think I'm pregnant«, I said after a few moments of silence.  
»Oh wow... That's...«, Remus began but I interrupted. »Horrible. Sirius doesn't want kids but I do and it's going to cause so many problems... We've had this conversation once and it ended in us not speaking for weeks...«, I explained.

»Maybe you should take a test first... I don't want you losing your mind about this if we can't be 100% sure you're actually pregnant.« I nodded. »Do you want me to buy a test for you?«, he then asked.  
»I'm way ahead of you«, I smiled sadly and pulled the test out of my bag.  
»Okay, do whatever you need to do, I'll wait here.«

»I'm nervous«, I whispered, putting the test down on the table. »It's going to be okay... I'm here for you«, Remus said and took my hand softly. »Thank you..«

»I think it's ready«, he muttered after a few more minutes.   
»No wait don't tell me, I don't want to know«, I quaked and crumbled up on the couch.   
»Holly you have to, this is your future!«, Remus demanded and handed me the test.

My heart stopped for a few seconds.

Positive.

»Oh Merlin no....«, I mumbled.  
»I am so sorry...«, Remus whispered.   
»How am I going to explain this to Sirius?«  
»I don't know...«  
»You know what, Remus, I just won't. Why should he know he's becoming a father if he doesn't want to be one anyways?«, stated. 

»Well now you're losing your mind. He sure won't leave you just because of this«, Remus replied.  
›This is exactly what my mother predicted...‹, I thought.

Remus was about to say something when the doorbell interrupted our conversation.  
»I'm gonna get that real quick, don't freak out«, he said and got up.  
»Oh fuck this shit«, I grunted, went to the kitchen and threw the test into the trashcan.

»Padfoot? What are you doing here?«, I heard Remus say.  
›What did I do wrong to deserve this??? Why does he have to show up now???‹

»Hey Moony, I just wanted to hang out for a bit, Holly isn't home and I-«, Sirius began but I stepped in to interrupt him.  
»That's because I'm here, hi Sirius«, I said, forcing a smile.

»Oh, I thought you were at work... What are you doing here?«, he inquired.  
»Not much, I was just about to leave, have fun you two«, I answered, have Sirius a kiss and Remus a hug and just left as quickly as I could.

Back at home I was laying in bed, alone with my thoughts.  
›What if I just get an abortion? Wait no, that's crazy, I don't want to do that... But still, I cannot care for the child, especially as the working single mother I'm probably about to become... Should I tell Sirius? Probably. But will I? Probably not... Maybe I can simply postpone this awkward talk with Sirius. I won't have to talk to him about that for about three months until he'll notice... There's nothing better than a good bit of procrastination... I'll just tell him later..."

_________________

But then I didn't tell him later.   
Months went by with Remus always being by my side, cheering me up, and Sirius not even knowing I carried his child.   
Remus was really doing his best to make sure I was all right, he always came with me to my doctor's appointments, he made sure I didn't overwork myself with my law education and he stood by my side when I was eating all kinds of junk again.

Times had really been difficult lately... And my pregnancy wasn't even the biggest problem. We had already lost too many good wizards and witches in the war. Just two weeks ago He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named wiped out the whole McKinnon family... 

But today we tried not to think about the bad things.

Because today was Harry's first birthday and Sirius had gotten him a little broomstick.  
While he and James were cheering on little Harry, Remus took me aside.

»Holly, I know it is hard but you have to tell Sirius about what's going on...«, he whispered.  
»Well I don't want to. Remember when you asked him about his thoughts on parenthood?«, I replied snottily.  
»I remember what he said. But this is a whole different situation«, Remus answered.

»No, I've heard enough of his ›mimimi I don't want to continue this bloodline‹ and ›mimimi what if my children turn out as badly as my parents‹, honestly, I've heard way too much about that crap«, I hissed.  
»Oh Holly.... We have to tell him, we can't continue living this way...«, Remus said and took my hand.

»What do you have to tell whom?«, Sirius asked grimly. He stepped into the hall we were standing in and eyed both of us most carefully.   
»Doesn't matter, it's really nothing«, I replied, maybe a little too cheery.

»I think we should go home, Holly, I believe we need to talk«, Sirius said and left.  
»That doesn't sound good... Do you think he knows?«, Remus whispered. »How would he know... I'll come around tomorrow if that's okay with you«, I muttered.   
»Yes, take care«, Remus smiled and squeezed my hand softly. 

Sirius and I said goodbye to Lily, James and Harry but as soon as their door closed behind us, Sirius' nice smile became a very grim one.   
He took my arm harshly and apparated to our place. 

»So when were you gonna tell me??«, he hissed.  
»Tell you what exactly?«, I asked, raising an eyebrow.  
»THAT YOU'RE FUCKING CHEATING ON ME WITH REMUS, MAYBE?!«, he shouted.

I flinched.  
»How dare you say that.«  
»HOW DARE I?! DO YOU THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED WHAT WAS GOING ON BETWEEN YOU TWO?!«  
»THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN HIM AND ME«, I now yelled back.

Sirius took a deep breath.  
»Oh well, well, well, I wouldn't be so sure about that«, he sneered.  
»WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ARE YOU DUMB?!«, I screamed.

»Well you might think you're super smart but I look right through you. All the times you've been sneaking around. All the times you were whispering in a corner. All the times you told me you had to work and study late but when I showed up at your office everybody told me you had long left«, he hissed.

»Wait, no, this isn't what it looks like-«  
»OH OF COURSE IT ISN'T! I HAVE EYES, HOLLY! I SAW THE WAY HE LOOKED AT YOU TODAY. AND WHEN I CAME TO TALK TO YOU, YOU TWO WERE EVEN HOLDING HANDS. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT I TRUSTED YOU!«, Sirius roared. I opened my mouth to say something but he began yelling again.  
»DON'T YOU DARE DENY IT NOW. I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE RENTED A PLACE IN THE MUGGLE PART OF TOWN, I'VE SEEN YOU TWO GO IN. I FOLLOWED YOU, YOU KNOW?!!?!«

How was I going to tell him that said place he had seen us visiting was the office of the Gynaecologist who checked up on me regularly.

»You're going crazy«, I simply stated.  
»WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?? MY GIRLFRIEND IS RUNNING AROUND FUCKING MY BEST FRIEND, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?!«  
»I AM NOT FUCKING REMUS. MERLIN, SIRIUS, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER«, I yelled.

»I WILL NOT GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FIRST! WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX FOR MONTHS NOW AND I THOUGHT SOMETHING MAYBE WASN'T OKAY BUT NOW I FIND OUT YOU WERE JUST WHORING AROUND SUCKING LITTLE MOONY'S WEREWOLF DICK.«

»SIRIUS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! REMUS IS - AS YOU ALREADY SAID - YOUR BEST FRIEND, HE WOULDN'T EVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO YOU«, I screamed.

But that just got Sirius to snap. He grabbed the next best thing - my favourite vase which I had inherited from my grandmother - and smashed it on the ground.  
I screamed and tears began running down my face.

»HOW DARE YOU, SIRIUS?!«  
»NO, HOW DARE YOU, HOLLY. I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!«  
»I. DID. NOT. AND. WOULD. NOT. EVER. CHEAT. ON. YOU.«, I cried.  
»WELL I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU, YOU FILTHY LITTLE SLUT«, Sirius yelled back, throwing the next vase on the ground.

I was sobbing but forced myself to look him straight into the eye.  
»Well then let's break up«, I said.  
»What?!«, Sirius answered, freezing. The vase he was about to crush on the floor was in his hand. He looked at me with shock in his eyes.  
»I want to break up with you, Sirius«, I stated, completely cold.

Suddenly, Sirius anger vanished into thin air.  
»Wait, no, you don't have to do this... We can work this out....«, he uttered.  
»I don't think we can. Who are we kidding? You obviously don't trust me and this thing between us hasn't worked out for months now. We'd be better off without each other.« ›And the child will also be better off without a father who neither wants nor loves them‹, I thought to myself.

After I had finished yelling, all i felt was emptiness. A big, endless emptiness.

»No you can't be for real, Holly...«  
,»I am though... You just called me a - and I quote - ›filthy slut‹ and accused me of cheating on you with your best friend. Why would I want to be with you now?«, I said, walked right past him and began packing my bags.

»Goodbye, Sirius Black«, I muttered as I stepped right out our front door without even looking back at him for one second.  
And he didn't try to stop me either.


	7. chapter seven

»You were right about Sirius...«, I whispered when my mother opened the door for me.  
»Oh my love, I am so sorry...«, she mumbled and hugged me tightly.  
»I really should have listened to you...«, I admitted, feeling my eyes tear up.  
»It's going to be okay«, my mother answered and pulled me into the house.

»Do you want to drink a nice firewhiskey? It really helped me through my first breakup«, Mum suggested but I shook my head.  
»No trust me it really works«, she smiled but I shook my head again.

»I can't, Mum... I'm pregnant...«

»Oh Merlin... I knew this would happen...«, Mum mumbled.  
»I'm sorry...«, I uttered.  
She pulled me into a tight hug. »It's okay, it's not your fault... How many months are you pregnant?«, she asked.

»Four...«, I answered.  
»Four?! My, my, you still look so slim, darling!«, Mum stammered.  
»Don't worry about it, the doctor said it was okay and my belly will probably grow more in the next months«, I explained.  
»Alright... I'll be there for you, love, no matter what happens...«

_________________

Sirius and I didn't speak one single word in the next months. I avoided him as much as possible. In fact, the only people I really talked to were my Mum and Remus.  
Lily and James had to hide because You-Know-Who became more and more of a threat to them and Harry.

Today was October 31.  
I had passed my final law exam and was now Barty Crouch Senior's assistant.  
Both of us were working overtime today. Many Death Eaters were awaiting trial which meant that we had a whole lot of work to do.

»Macmillan, emergency«, Mr Crouch shouted from his office.  
»What happened?«, I asked tensely as I entered the room.  
»James and Lily Potter, Peter Pettigrew and twelve muggles are dead. You-Know-Who disappeared. Only Harry Potter survived. We have to go there, now.«, he said without any emotion in his voice. 

My heart stopped.  
›James, Lily and Peter.... All dead... No...‹, I thought.  
Mr Crouch grabbed my arm and one second later we were standing in front of what used to be James and Lily's house.

The street looked like a battlefield. Most houses were nothing more than ruins. A loud, crazy laugh echoed through the night.

»It was Sirius Black who betrayed the Potters«, Mr Crouch explained.  
I felt a painful sting piercing through my heart. »This can't be real...«, I whispered.  
»I am sorry, Miss Macmillan, you were good friends with the Potters as I recall...«, my boss said.

I wanted to say something but an Auror came up to us. »Sir, what should we do with Black?«, he asked.  
»Where is he?«, Crouch asked and the Auror pointed to where the maniacal laugh came from.

We walked up to the magical cage they had trapped Sirius in.  
He looked absolutely crazy.  
Looking at his face sent shivers down my spine. 

»We don't need a trial. Send him straight to Azkaban«, I said coldly.  
I knew exactly that although I now played tough I would cry and sob and break down as soon as I got home.

»I agree with my assistant. Send him away. I hereby condemn Sirius Black to a life sentence in Azkaban«, Mr Crouch said.  
But Sirius didn't even listen.  
He just continued laughing like a maniac.  
He didn't even notice my heavily pregnant belly.  
He kept laughing and laughing and laughing.

»I am sorry Mr Crouch, may I go home now, please? I cannot bear being here«, I said quietly and he nodded.  
»Take the next few days off. If you're too grieving to work I don't want you there«, he simply said.  
I nodded and disapparated to my door.

As soon as the door closed behind me I broke down.  
I screamed and cried so loudly my mother woke up and came down.  
»Holly, darling, what happened?«, she asked full of worry.

»Lily, James, Peter... They're dead... He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named disappeared and Harry survived his killing curse...«, I sobbed.  
»I am so sorry...«, my mother whispered, sat down on the ground next to me and hugged me tightly.

I didn't know what to do or say so I just sat there, sobbing.

»All of this is Sirius' fault...«, I mumbled.  
»Honey don't say that...«, she answered which made me cry even more.  
»No you don't understand, it is Sirius' fault... He was the one who betrayed Lily and James... I still can't believe it but he became a Death Eater...«, I whined.

I knew my mother was absolutely overwhelmed but I just couldn't hold back.  
»Mum, I don't want to carry a murderer's child«, I cried out.  
She still didn't say anything and just patted me on the back.

»I'm sorry, I know, it's the middle of the night... I didn't want to wake you«, I mumbled after I had howled my heart out.  
»It's alright, darling, I'm always there for you«, my mother whispered.  
»Thank you, Mum.«

The next months weren't getting better.  
After the downfall of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, many Death Eaters swore they were under the influence of the Imperius Curse, some were killed by Aurors but some went in another direction.

Shortly after Lily, James and Peter were killed, Frank and Alice Longbottom were tortured in such a heinous manner it caused maybe one of the greatest scandals I had ever heard of. Partly, because Alice and Frank had always enjoyed a lot of love and respect but also because one of the Death Eaters who committed this crime was none other than Bartemius Crouch Jr., Son of my boss Bartemius Crouch Sr., Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.  
Didn't even bother to hear his son's pleading.

The Lestranges - who also took part in said crime - and Barty Crouch Jr. went to Azkaban and Barty Crouch Sr. quit his position in out department.

But that wasn't the only thing that went wrong.  
November 25, 1981, my mother was murdered. The remaining Death Eaters had been seeking revenge from everyone who had stood in their way.  
And my mother had been one of those.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, another calamity followed.  
Half a month after my mother had died, I was supposed to give birth to my daughter.  
The words of the doctor haunted me for months after that.  
»I am sorry, Ms Macmillan«, he had said. »It's a stillbirth.«

Times got even rougher for me when Remus decided to go undercover with other werewolves, leaving me all by myself.  
All I had now was my job.  
And so I focused on my job.  
Working, working all day, sometimes even working all night.  
Jobwise, it did pay off. Personally, it definitely did not. 

I barely had time for myself. Let alone time to meet anyone new.  
At least that was until fate or whatever it was made me stumble into Ludo Bagman in a bar.  
He was currently under trial for allegedly passing information to You-Know-Who but it did look good for him. That was partly because he was such a popular Quidditch player.

And I couldn't lie, I got why all the girls were drooling over him.  
He had an athletic build, a gorgeous face with stunning blue eyes and beautiful blonde hair. His jawline looked so sharp one could cut oneself and his shoulders were almost twice as wide as mine.

I was sitting at the bar when he moved his stool over to me.  
»Good evening, beautiful«, he smiled.  
»Mr Bagman, I didn't expect to see you here«, I said.  
»I didn't expect to see you either. You're Miss Macmillan, right?«, he grinned. »Yes, how do you know?«, I asked with a small chuckle.

»Well it's not hard to remember face and name of the most beautiful woman in court... Can I buy you a drink?«, he smirked.  
›What a flirt‹, I thought to myself.  
»Are you trying to bribe a prosecutor, Mr Bagman?«, I teased. I could feel the alcohol that was already in my blood. Otherwise I would have been much more reluctant.

»First of all, call me Ludo. Second of all, what if I was?«, he winked and gave the bartender a sign to fetch us another drink.  
»This would probably not end well, considering your trial isn't finished yet. Luckily for you, I'm not on duty right now so you can buy me a drink. Also, call me Holly«, I replied.

»It's a pleasure to meet you, Holly«, Ludo grinned. »Pleasure to meet you too, Ludo«, I replied.  
He was a little younger than me but it didn't change the fact that I was attracted to him.  
»Is Holly short for anything? Like, I don't know, holiday or holiness?«, Ludo asked with a smug grin on his face.  
»No, it's short for hologram«, I replied.  
»Your parents named you hologram?«, the blond man asked in confusion.  
»No of course not, I'm messing with you, my name's just Holly«, I laughed.

Couple drinks later we were laughing and joking like old friends.  
»I'm sorry, I'll have to close the bar, you two have to go now« the barkeeper said.  
»No problem, we can just continue this at my place«, Ludo slurred and paid for our drinks.

»Let's get out of here«, I whispered and he took my hand and apparated us directly into his flat.

About a second later I was pressed against the wall, his lips all over my neck, sending shivers down my spine.  
I knew it probably wasn't too smart to get involved with him but he somehow made me feel good again.  
After months of feeling like shit he - Ludo Bagman, the Quidditch star - made me feel good again. And not only good.  
Great.  
Desired.

»Do you want this?«, he mumbled against my shoulder as his hand slowly creeped under my shirt and squeezed my boob.  
»Yes«, I moaned.

_________________

Some time later - could have been an hour, maybe two - we were laying next to each other on his bed, dizzy and exhausted.  
»That was kinda insane«, Ludo grinned, tilting his head to look at me.  
My legs felt like rubber.

»Yes...«, I muttered, still a little out of breath.  
»We should do this again«, he said.  
»Do you mean like right now or in general?«, I asked. A corner of my mouth lifted slowly.  
»Whatever pleases you, Aphrodite«, Ludo grinned and rolled himself on top of me again.

»I think I should go home«, I mumbled.  
Although having sex had kind of sobered me up, my vision was still blurry and my eyes seemed to lag whenever I looked in a different direction.  
»No, you can stay, it's no problem... Especially because we're both drunk«, Ludo replied and played with a strand of my hair.

»Alright, thank you...«, I mumbled, my eyelids getting heavier.  
Ludo threw a blanket over the both of us and it didn't take me too long to fall asleep.

_________________

Ludo Bagman and I began what was some sort of affair.  
I neither loved him nor agreed with everything he did (like all of his gambling) but it felt good to have someone to come to after a long day of work.

He was cleared of all charges, very much to the anger of Bartemius Crouch Sr..  
I was one of the many people who believed him that he didn't know Rookwood was a Death Eater. Others believed him because he was such a popular Quidditch player. 

But I for my part believed him because he could sometimes be a little befuddled. I had the feeling he was the type of person who accidentally joins a cult without really knowing what was going on.

I didn't see Remus often around that time, he was still struggling because too many people believed in the stigma around werewolves.  
Due to that, he lived in poverty. I tried to help him a little bit financially but he rarely ever accepted my money.

Sex with Ludo made me somehow feel really good. After everything that had happened with Sirius I was glad I had someone who made me feel loved. Although it wasn't real. Maybe because it wasn't real.

The thought of being attached to someone again almost made me throw up. I just couldn't imagine loving someone the way I had loved him. I knew my heart couldn't take another betrayal.

Today Ludo had an important Quidditch game which he had invited me to. It was his last game before he retired as a player and would start to work in the Ministry.  
Our affair had been going on for almost a year now and some gossip magazines were already suspecting us of being in a relationship.

I was sitting next to Minister Millicent Bagnold and a few other people from the Ministry.  
Ludo had gotten me this seat, he for some reason really wanted me to be at this game.

»Miss Macmillan, could I by any chance get an interview with you?«, I heard the strident voice of Rita Skeeter.  
She had already tried to interview me a few times by now because she thought my relations with Ludo Bagman were of public interest.

»If you want to talk about Mr Bagman again why don't you ask him?«, I replied, trying not to come off as too mean.  
»But Mr Bagman is always so busy, why don't you tell me some of your secrets?«, Rita grinned.  
She kind of reminded me of a snake. I couldn't really explain why, it just was how it was. 

»Miss Skeeter, if I told you my secrets they certainly wouldn't stay secret, which defeats the whole purpose, don't you think? And Mr Bagman isn't the only one with a busy schedule so I'd appreciate if you'd let me watch this game in peace«, I forced a smile and began ignoring her.  
She tried again to get my attention but I just had my eyes on the field, trying to spot Ludo in his yellow and black robe.

The colours of his robe always gave me the illusion to think he was a Hufflepuff. Although we had never talked about our times at Hogwarts, I was quite certain he got sorted into Slytherin.  
That didn't mean he was a bad guy – because the simple act of getting sorted into a house didn't make anyone bad or good – I just thought he always was ambitious and cunning. I had also noticed him being a little manipulative whenever he wanted something.

The Wimbourne Wasps played well.  
They won the game and Ludo was all cheery when he flew over to me.  
»Holly, I need to ask you something«, he grinned, jumped off of his broom onto the platform and got down on one knee.  
My eyes widened in shock.

›Please don't be what I think-‹, I thought when Ludo pulled a small box out of his pocket.  
»Holly, will you marry me?«, he asked and opened the small box.  
»Oh my-«, I heard Rita Skeeter gasp. People around us were murmuring.  
I was completely perplexed as I looked at the silver ring that was decorated with a few diamonds.

»Ludo, I-«, I began but I didn't quite knew what to say. Rejecting him here in front of everyone wasn't something I would be proud of doing. But at the same time I was shocked he even had the audacity to ask me to marry him.  
›I thought we made clear that we don't want any feelings involved, let alone commitment-‹, I pondered.

Ludo just grinned at me and raised his eyebrows. I couldn't lie, he looked too hot right now but he also made me so, so mad. ›How dare he...‹

»I'll have to think about this...«, I mumbled and walked away, leaving a confused crowd and an even more confused Ludo.

__________________

»HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO MARRY YOU?!«, I yelled as soon as all of his teammates had left the dressing room.  
We were alone after the game and I had waited long enough to let my feelings out.  
How was it even possible that the one person I had always wanted to marry turned out to be a Death Eater and didn't want to marry me while my literal affair thought it was a good idea to propose to me at a Quidditch match.

»Well I like you and I thought it wouldn't be a problem«, he answered, still with a smug smile on his face.  
»YOU THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM? WE HAD AGREED, LUDO, NO FEELINGS, NO ATTACHMENT, NO COMMITMENT«, I continued screaming, still unable to believe what had happened.

»I know, but aren't you tired of this? If we'd just marry-«, Ludo began but I interrupted him.  
»I don't love you, Ludo. And I believe you know that. The thing we have is just physical. Don't you understand? I cannot marry you«, I fumed. 

»You're crazy...«, Ludo mumbled.  
»No, YOU'RE crazy. This is over. Have fun«, I uttered, squinting my eyes at him one last time before I left the room and apparated home.

_________________

»Can you believe that?! ›Between Quidditch and Quitting – Ludo Bagman may have won yesterday's Quidditch match but he lost the heart of his great love Holly Macmillan. After she rejected his proposal, she crushed his heart by telling him she doesn't love him and breaking up with him afterwards. What many of us had suspected to be the next wild relationship turned out to be the chaotic mess of a failed affair between two people that couldn't be more different«, I quoted from the newspaper.

»She wrote that?!«, Remus yelped.  
We were sitting in my kitchen while I poured my heart out to him.  
»That little shit. How did she even find our about that?!«, I snapped.  
»Wait, IT'S TRUE?!«, Remus gasped.  
»Yes«, I sighed, »It started almost a year ago, I wanted to tell you but then we didn't see each other for such a long time... Having sex again was kinda good for me but I didn't want anything serious, how would I know he'd propose to me??«

»That is fucked up... But Ludo Bagman? Come on, Holly, you could have done better than that old gambler...«, Remus mumbled.  
»Maybe... But that doesn't matter now anyways. What matters now is that fucking Rita Skeeter just revealed the thing I didn't really want anyone to know about«, I fumed.

»Relax, we all know she isn't the most reliable source. Why would anyone believe her? I mean you and Ludo Bagman does seem a little off«, he admitted.  
»Are you judging my taste in men?«, I asked. The thought was making me smirk a little.

»Yes, most definitely. I mean Ludo Bagman! I get it, he's popular and everything but I didn't think he would be your type at all«, Remus uttered.  
»I mean he isn't. But I guess I didn't want anyone who even remotely looks like him...«  
»Understandable...«, he mumbled.

»You know, the worst thing is that I still miss him sometimes. He betrayed all of us and I miss him...«, I whispered sadly.  
»It's okay, I feel like that too sometimes... We'll get over it eventually... I mean, he's locked there forever after all...«

If only we knew...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, I'd love to get some feedback so feel free to comment! ^^


	8. chapter eight

Years went by. After the thing with Ludo I had a few flings here and there, never anything serious.   
Well, except for one thing I had with Jonathan McGonagall, nephew of Minerva McGonagall in 1987.

At first it was just sex. However, after a few months we sort of grew fond of each other.  
But as much as I wanted to start over again, love someone, maybe even marry, I just couldn't get over the trust issues I had.  
Although it had been years, Sirius' betrayal still fucked me up.  
And so Johnathan and I parted in 1990 and he married another woman.  
So I was alone again. 

Then came 1993.  
It was August 1 and I was sitting at the breakfast table when I heard the tapping of an owl at the window.

I went up to the window and opened it. As I gave the owl some money and took my Daily Prophet the heading immediately caught my eye.

»Escape from Azkaban!«, it said in bold letters.  
›Oh fuck...‹, I thought as I unfolded the newspaper.  
Then I saw him.  
A huge picture of Sirius Black, screaming into the camera.

»This cannot be true...«, I mumbled.  
›We have to protect Harry‹, my next thought was.  
Sirius would probably try to finish his Dark Lord's plan and kill Harry.  
We had to protect this boy at all costs.

J heard a thunderous knock on my door.  
When I opened it, I looked into Remus Lupin's eyes.  
»Merlin, Holly, I'm so glad you're there«, he said and hugged me tightly.  
»I guess you've heard it already... That he's out...«, I mumbled.

»Yes... Don't worry about Harry, I'll be his teacher this year. And Dumbledore has already informed us that there will be Dementors all around Hogwarts to keep the students safe«, Remus explained.

»I'm still worried about Harry«, I whispered.  
»Me too... But I'm more worried about you... How do you feel?«, he asked.  
»Numb, actually... I thought I'd never have to see him again but now... I just hope they catch him soon«, I replied.

»I think so... Hogwarts is the safest place on earth for Harry so as soon as he'll try to get into the castle, the Dementors will catch him... It's going to be okay...«

_________________

Throughout this year Remus regularly sent me letters, describing the situation at Hogwarts.  
It usually only was him drooling over how much Harry looked like James and how he was as smart as Lily but one day in spring I got a quite interesting update.

»Dear Holly,  
I cannot tell you much but I may have a reason to think Peter Pettigrew might be alive. I don't know yet how this would change our circumstances... I'll keep you updated.   
Love, Remus

P.S.: Harry's doing great, he's almost able to perform a Patronus spell!«

The letter left me in confusion.  
What on earth led Remus to think Peter might be alive?  
And if he was, how would this change things regarding to Sirius being accused of his murder?

I spent months thinking about this until I finally got the answer when Remus visited me after the school year was over.

»Holly, everything makes sense now«, he said as we sat down on my sofa.  
»What makes sense?«, I asked in confusion.  
»Okay look... Sirius didn't kill Peter and he didn't kill those muggles and he didn't betray James and Lily«, Remus responded.

»No Remus, please don't do this to me... I don't want to hear this theory, I've overthought too much these past weeks«, I sighed.  
»But it isn't just a theory. A few days ago I followed Harry and Hermione who followed Sirius who dragged Ron into the shrieking shack«, Remus explained.

»Wait, what? Why would he drag Ron there?« I was absolutely confused by now.  
»Well, Ron's family Rat is actually Peter Pettigrew in his animagus form«, Remus said.  
»No... You're kidding, right?!«, I mumbled.  
»I wish I was... But it's the truth. Sirius came back from Azkaban to avenge James and Lily. Pettigrew was the one who betrayed them and blamed Sirius by cutting off his own finger and pretending to be dead for twelve years«, he replied.

»Oh and now I'm just supposed to believe you? What if he got you to become a Death Eater too??«, I snapped.  
»Holly, Harry would be dead if it were like that and you know that very well... I am sure Sirius will reach out to you at some point as soon as he feels safe or anything...«, Remus smiled softly.

»Well but I don't know if I want to see him again. As you know, we didn't really have the nicest break up or anything. And he still doesn't know I was pregnant«, I replied.   
»Then why don't you tell him? You were the first thing he asked me about when we got to talk alone for a minute«, Remus sighed.  
»I'll think about it... But I won't promise anything...«

_________________

Two more years went by without me ever seeing Sirius. Dumbledore had contacted me about reconvening the Order of the Phoenix, due to Harry stating that You-Know-Who had returned.  
I was one of the very few in the ministry who believed him. But of course, I never mentioned this to any of my co-workers.

Today was friday and our department had been invited to dinner in a nice restaurant.  
»So, Miss Macmillan, what do you think about Mr Fudge's new Junior Assistant?«, one of my colleagues asked, obviously ready to gossip about him.  
»He's quite young, isn't he?«, I simply replied.

»Oh most definitely... He's one of the Weasleys... You know that muggle freak Arthur Weasley, right?«, he laughed.  
»I do, but he's actually very nice so I'd appreciate it if we could change the topic«, I smiled in a quite reserved manner.

»Ah, still the typical Hufflepuff, I see«, I heard a joking voice behind me. As I turned around I looked directly into the light brown eyes of Jonathan McGonagall.  
»Johnathan, what are you doing here?«, I smiled.   
»I'm here with my friends«, he grinned, »but I guess we'll be seeing each other more often now.«

»Why's that?«, I asked.  
He looked rather dashing with his black hair slicked back, his light stubble defining his cheekbones and jawline even more, and the nice suit he was wearing. But it didn't distract me from his slightly tired, sad looking eyes.  
»I've got a promotion, I'll be tutoring new Aurors in the ministry from now on«, he said happily.

»Wow, that's great! Congratulations! How's your wife?«, I inquired. His bright smile turned into a rather tormented grimace.  
»Well, I wouldn't really know, Jane and I are getting a divorce«, he gulped.  
»Merlin, I'm so sorry...«, I uttered.  
»It's gonna be okay, I guess... Can I maybe buy you a drink later so we can catch up?«, he then smiled again.  
»I'd love to«, I responded before I gave my attention to my co-workers again.

A few hours later, nearly all of my colleagues had left and Jonathan came up to me again.  
»So, what would you like to drink?«, he asked with his typical charming smile.  
»I'll have a glass of wine«, I replied.  
»Elf-made or Turnip?« »Turnip, thanks«, I smiled and sat down at the bar.

»So, what have you been up to lately?«, Jonathan asked. »Not much, actually... I'm still working in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and it really is a ton of work...«, I sighed.  
»So I guess you're still drowning yourself in work«, he laughed.  
»I kind of am, there's literally nothing else to do«, I grinned.

»I'm sorry if this is too hasty but do you currently have a boyfriend or anything?«, he asked nervously after almost an hour of us talking.  
»I actually don't«, I grinned.  
»Okay that's great actually«, he replied.  
I couldn't help but smile to myself. Jonathan really didn't change over the past seven years we hadn't talked.

»So what are you up to tomorrow?«, he inquired with a cheeky smirk on his face.  
»I don't have that much time tomorrow but I'm free all Sunday«, I answered.  
»That's awesome, I'd love to take you out then«, he grinned.  
»Sounds good«, I said.

»I mean as long as you feel safe... with the whole You-Know-Who-situation«, he then added.  
»Wait, do you believe Harry Potter?«, I asked. »Yes, I actually do... I normally wouldn't admit this but I still trust you«, he replied.

»Oh wow...«, I responded.  
»What do you mean?«, he inquired.  
»I feel the same way you do. Harry has to be telling the truth, this wouldn't make sense otherwise... Like, why would he make this up?«, I said.  
»I am so glad you said that...«, he answered.

»Thank you so much for the nice evening, I'll get going now, it's getting quite late«, I smiled.  
»Yes, I'll pick you up on sunday, 2pm«, he grinned as I put on my coat.  
»I am looking forward to it«, I replied and disapparated to my home.

_________________

»Good morning, love«, I heard Remus' voice shout from downstairs the next morning.  
I was still sleepy when I toddled downstairs to greet him.  
»Ready for the meeting?«, he asked.  
I nodded, my eyes still half-closed. »Where's the meeting at anyways?«, I wanted to know.

»Is that important?«, Remus inquired.  
»Well, it is if it's somewhere I don't want to go«, I explained.  
»Alright, I will tell you. But you have to promise me you'll come with me«, Remus insisted. I nodded.  
»The meeting is at number twelve, Grimmauld Place«, he said.

My heart stopped for a moment.  
»That means Sirius will be there, right?«  
Remus nodded.   
I hadn't seen Sirius Black in almost fourteen years.  
»By Helga, I don't think I'm ready for this...«, I mumbled.

»Don't worry, Holly... I'll make sure you won't be alone with him so things don't get awkward«, Remus cheered me up.  
»Alright, I'll just get ready quickly, I was out with an old friend yesterday and it got quite late«, I uttered and went back to the bedroom.

»An ›old friend‹? Who do you mean?«, Remus shouted from downstairs.  
»Remember Jonathan McGonagall?«, I yelled back, changing into something casual yet nice.  
»Of course I do, but I wouldn't really consider him a friend of yours. You can just say you met an your old fling again«, Remus laughed.  
»I think it was more than just a fling...«, I replied.

»Was it? I'm not sure whether I recall this correctly but I believe you broke up with him as soon as he started talking about getting more serious, like maybe marrying. It was the same as with Bagman«, Remus said cheekily.  
I walked back downstairs.  
»Well you might have remembered that correctly«, I admitted.  
»And all of that just because you were scared this could end up the way it did with Sirius. Ma'am, I'm sorry to break it to you but you have some major trust issues«, Remus teased.

»Has anybody ever told you, you should become a therapist?«, I smiled.  
»Yes, all the time actually. Let me think, who told me that so often? Ah yes, it's you!«, Remus grinned and offered me his arm.  
I took it and a second later we were standing in front of the dark, eerie looking house that was number twelve, Grimmauld Place.

»Ready?«, Remus asked.  
»No«, I replied.  
He gave me an encouraging smile and pulled me into the building anyways.

»Holly, hello, it's so nice to finally meet you, Arthur has told me about you«, Molly Weasley greeted me happily as soon as Remus and I entered the dining room where everyone was. As she pulled me into a tight hug I looked through the room.  
Just when I thought he maybe wouldn't be here, Sirius' eyes met mine.

Although we hadn't seen each other in such a long time, I immediately recognised him.  
He looked weak, his body had gotten so slim you could almost see each and every bone.  
It sent shivers down my spine.  
He had wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes and mouth.  
Even after Molly let go of me, Sirius and I were just staring at each other.

›His time in Azkaban definitely aged him‹, I thought. But at the same time I was quite confused. He looked so good. If you didn't know us, you'd probably think Sirius was at least five years older than me. He looked broken.   
But still... He had somehow managed age like fine wine.  
I simply could not explain it.

»C'mon Holly, let's fetch you something to drink«, Remus said with a smile on his face, desperately trying to loosen up the tension in the room.  
He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the kitchen.

»Are you okay? You look quite pale«, he asked as soon as we were alone.  
»Is there by any chance firewhiskey in this household?«, I mumbled.  
»Of course it is«, came from the door.   
I didn't want to look in his eyes again but I turned around anyways.

»Amazing, where is it?«, I forced a smile.  
»Pantry... Come with me«, he said, eyeing me closely.  
»I'd rather not-«, I began but Remus interrupted me. »No worries, I'll go... I'll be back in a minute«, he smiled and walked out of the room.  
›Does he know that that's exactly what I wanted to avoid???? Excuse me, Remus, get your ass back here‹, I thought.

»You haven't aged a day since I last saw you«, Sirius said quietly, leaning against the kitchen counter.  
»Well then you don't remember me correctly«, I replied. ›How does he still look this stunning after twelve years in Azkaban?‹

»Well I think you didn't age one bit«, he smiled softly.  
›Why is he being so nice to me? It's literally partially my fault he went to Azkaban although he was innocent...‹, I then thought.

»I'm back!«, Remus put a full bottle of Firewhiskey on the kitchen counter.  
»Good... Holly... Can we talk later?«, Sirius murmured. »I'm sorry, Sirius, but I'd really rather not...«, I replied.  
Sirius just nodded slightly and left the kitchen.

»Sorry I left the two of you alone but I rather had you in here, next to the dining room instead of together inside a small pantry«, Remus apologized.  
»It's alright... Thank you«, I smiled as I poured myself a glass of Firewhiskey.

Being here in this house brought memories back I would have rather forgotten.  
The way we kissed in the bathroom that day my family had dinner with his family.  
The way we were both distracting each other from our problems. The way he did me so well later that night.   
Everything was so simple back then.  
I almost caught myself wishing be would kiss me again the way he kissed me said night.

But it didn't work in 1981, why would it work now?

We didn't discuss too many things today. This meeting was more of a general update on what was going on in the first place.

»Can we please talk?«, Sirius asked after most of the members had already left.  
»Why do you want to talk so badly?«, I sighed, doing my best not to look him in the eyes.  
»I wanted to apologize for how things ended between us back then«, he said softly.

»Sirius, it's been fourteen years since then, I'm over it, don't worry«, I replied.  
But it was a lie.   
I wasn't over it or over him or over anything really.

»I'm not over it though...«, he mumbled.  
»I'm sorry, I have to go now«, I replied although I couldn't deny that it hurt me more than I anticipated.  
»See you soon...«, Sirius said.   
I forced a slight smile, walked past him and disapparated back home.

_________________

»Thank you for the nice day«, I smiled the next day as Jonathan dropped me off by my house.  
»My pleasure«, he smiled back and kissed my cheek softly.  
We had visited a muggle zoo that day, ate ice cream and just had a great time together. He was just as sweet as he was back when we had our little fling or affair or whatever it was.  
And he somehow made me forget all my problems without even trying.

»Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?«, I asked.  
I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.  
»Tea sounds lovely«, Jonathan replied as I opened my front door.

I had to move on from Sirius.   
Maybe this was the way.

Jonathan was really sweet to me. We talked about all kinds of stuff, including our thoughts on He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's return.   
I learned his wife was cheating on him which was why they were getting a divorce. Jonathan seemed to be quite happy that we could talk about anything.  
And the more we talked, the more I thought about inviting him to the order.  
He was an Auror so he knew how to fight, he shared our beliefs, was trustworthy and wanted to help. What more could we ask of?

»Jonathan, would you maybe be interested in fighting against the Death Eaters?«, I asked him after a while.  
»I would. I can't stand how Fudge isn't even doing anything... Say what you will, but that's corruption«, he sighed.  
»Are you free next thursday?« I inquired.  
»I am, why?«, he smiled.

»I'd like to introduce you to the Order of the Phoenix«, I grinned. ›I think he'll be able to help us quite well...‹  
»The Order of the Phoenix? As in THE Order of the Phoenix?«, he beamed.   
I couldn't help but giggle a bit.  
»Yes, I believe you'd be very welcome there. We need all the help we can get«, I stated.  
»Well then I'd love to help out!«, Jonathan responded happily.  
»I'll pick you up on thursday«, I smiled.  
»Very well, I'm excited already«, he smiled back.

_________________

»Hello everyone, I'm Jonathan McGonagall, nice to meet you«, Jonathan introduced himself when we got to number twelve, Grimmauld Place the next thursday.  
»Are you related to Professor McGonagall?«, Tonks immediately asked with a bright grin on her face.  
»Yes, I'm her nephew«, he smiled.

Everybody greeted him with open arms.  
Well, everybody except for Sirius.  
Je just sat in a corner, observing the situation.

After the meeting was over, Jonathan was talking to Moody so I went to the kitchen to drink something.  
A few moments later, Sirius came up to me.

»What's with you and that prick?«, he asked. His face looked calm but I could see anger in his eyes.   
»He isn't a prick, Sirius«, I sighed.   
»That doesn't answer my question«, Sirius replied.  
»Why do you care?«, I inquired, not making eye contact.  
»Because Moony told me a little about him. He's married, Holly, why are you two flirting so much?!«, he grunted.

»Then you've obviously only heard a tiny little bit about him. Yes, technically he is married but he's currently going through a divorce because his wife cheated on him. And yes, that's a real problem, not just something to accuse your girlfriend of when you get bored of her«, I snapped.

»Excuse me?«, he hissed.  
›I should not have said that...‹  
»I was not getting bored of you Holly, you were the one keeping secrets. I had a long talk with Moony about that the other night. He said you never cheated but you also didn't tell me everything. That there was more to the story. That our fight back then wasn't the only reason you broke up with me«, Sirius said with a very aggressive tone in his voice.

»Maybe Remus is right, who knows? But I doubt that we really need to talk about that breakup fourteen years ago«, I uttered.

»I think we should talk about it. You were obviously lying when you said you were over me«, he replied.  
»You obviously misinterpreted that«, I fumed.  
»I don't think so. And also, I don't want your dumb affair in my house«, Sirius ranted.

»Everything okay in here?«, Jonathan asked as he stepped into the room.  
Sirius said no at the exact same time I said yes.  
»Well I just told Holly I'd rather not have her dumb affair in my house«, Sirius told Jonathan with the nicest fakest smile I had ever seen on him.  
»Merlin, Sirius, stop being such a drama queen«, I sighed, annoyed by his behaviour.

»No, I understand that, Mr Black, I'd just like to inform you that the time Holly and I had our ›little affair‹ has been over for a long time now. If we find each other again, I'd prefer it to be more serious that last time«, Jonathan said, smiling at me softly.  
My heart fluttered a little.

»Oh come on«, Sirius said clearly annoyed and just left the kitchen.  
»He's your ex-boyfriend, right?«, Jonathan inquired.  
»Yes... sorry about him, he's the biggest drama queen ever«, I muttered with a pained face.  
»Do you need a hug?«, Jonathan asked and pulled me into his arms when I nodded.

_________________

»Holly, you need to tell Sirius about... You know... Back then«, Remus told me two weeks later at our next meeting.  
»I can't, Remus... I'm not ready to talk about it«, I replied.  
»It's been fourteen years. He needs to know«, he insisted.

»I agree«, Sirius – who had just walked into the room – now said, sitting down in the armchair across the room.

»I'll leave the two of you alone, just tell him, Holly, it's not the end of the world«, Remus muttered before he left.  
›

Where's Jonathan when I need him?‹, I thought.   
I was more than just uncomfortable with the atmosphere. Sirius watched every little movements of mine. And I just stood there, not sure whether I should just flee.

»What was the other reason you broke up with me?«, Sirius asked me calmly.  
I took a deep breath before I answered.   
»I had this problem... And with this problem I couldn't be with you«, I answered.  
»Merlin's sake, Holly, just tell me exactly what happened. I cannot bear living like this«, Sirius uttered. Sadness and disappointment clouded his features.

»Alright, I guess I won't get around it so if you're so desperate to know, I was pregnant«, I replied shortly.  
»Pregnant?«, Sirius stuttered.  
»Yes, you know, the thing where a tiny human grows inside your belly and you have to squeeze it out after nine months«, I said sarcastically.

»I am a dad?«, Sirius whispered.   
He sprung out of his chair, ran over to me and pulled me into a tight hug. »I am a dad...«, his mouth curved into a slight grin.

But I pushed him away.  
»No you're not«, I stated.  
»What do you mean, I am not? Where's our child, I want to meet them«, he said nervously.  
Hearing him say this just brought back all the pain. It felt as if he was ripping the still broken pieces of my heart right out of my chest.

»It's dead, Sirius«, I gulped.  
»Dead? No... You're lying...«, he stammered.  
I could practically feel his pain.  
»I wish I was lying... It was a stillbirth. The doctors speculated that I had suffered from to much trauma during that time which affected the baby«, I explained sadly.

»I am so sorry... This is all my fault...«, Sirius muttered and tried to hug me again. I pushed him away softly.  
»Why didn't you just tell me you were pregnant?«, Sirius asked. Never in my life had I seen him with such a pained expression on his face.   
»Did you forget? Anytime anyone ever suggested we should have kids you immediately blocked any conversation and came with your ›I don't want to continue bloodline‹ argument and it always escalated in a fight«, I reminded him.

»True... I'm sorry I was so immature... I of all people should have been there for you...«, Sirius apologized.  
»It's okay...«, I mumbled.  
»I'm also sorry I accused you of cheating... Especially with Remus... I should have trusted you more... I should have listen to you... He helped you so much and I was just ignorant«, Sirius added sadly.

»As I said earlier, it's been fourteen years, it doesn't matter anymore«, I sighed.  
»I know you're still hurt... And that's okay. Is there any way I can make this up to you?«, he then asked.  
»No... I'd prefer if we try to stay away from each other«, I stated.  
›Otherwise I'll never get over him...‹

Seeing him every week was messing with my heart. I tried to convince myself that I didn't like him but it just wasn't that easy.  
Now knowing he had been innocent all this time wiped out all the hatred I used to have for him.

»If you're sure you want it that way I'll do my best«, Sirius mumbled, gave me a pained smile and left the room.

I felt so bad for him.   
He had to stay in the house he hated 24/7, he couldn't even go out for a walk.   
The ministry was still searching for him and none of us knew if his name could ever be cleared again.  
I didn't want to imagine how lonely he must've felt.

But as much as I pitied his situation and wanted to help him, I still thought it would be best if we went separate ways.

And that was partly because Jonathan and I were seeing each other more and more.  
He was just too sweet and nice to everyone.  
Well, almost.  
Because as soon as he was alone with Sirius and me, the atmosphere kind of changed.

But nevertheless, the next few weeks weren't too bad.   
Besides of course the fact that Harry had to face trial for using underage magic.  
But I was sure it wouldn't be too bad.  
I knew my colleagues well enough to know that most of them would choose justice instead of what Minister Fudge wanted.

So things went their way and Sirius and I stayed away from each other. We didn't talk much apart from saying hello and just concentrated on our work with the Order and making 12 Grimmauld Place more liveable again.  
And that went quite well.  
At least until that one evening.


End file.
